Single parent struggling with severe depression and anxiety. More so now due to being a sexual assault victim of my biological father.Things were good before that. Don't get me wrong it's not easy being a single parent with more than 2 kids. I have 5. I don't get child support and don't like to depend on others to care for me or my children. I had it easy I will admit that. Now, we currently stay at a shelter. I've disconnected myself from social media family and friends. I haven't been to work since the day my sperm donor violated me. My children are young and explaining the situation is hard. I thought I could trust my siblings but money and assets seem to have a pull on them. I only communicate with one person. The man that drives me up the fucking wall yet I want him for the rest of my life even if I can't stand him. It's the damb love hate thing. Tbh, I think I want to even disconnect with him. He assumes he knows me so damn well but when he talks about me and what he assumes of me is that I'm just one selfish bitch who only cares about me. Idk maybe it's true but personally I put others in front of myself. My kids before anyone or anything. I stay on island and it's very small east to find people. If you look hard enough. I want nothing to do with this island and want to leave. I know that decision is also go for my kids as the education in the US is much better. They can experience more and have better opportunities when they get older.My speed donor is well connected and well liked in the community that everyone believes him. My depression and anxiety has gotten worse that I've noticed I'm starting to take it out on the kids. Something I hate and trying to fix. I've been given medication but scared due to the side affects and the fact that they are addictive. My daily thoughts now include suicide and there are days where I even plan it. What stops me is my kids fathers and the piece of shit spent donor. I worry about my kids growing up. But things have gotten worse. I now think about ditching my kids on this rock and me going on my own. What mother ditches their own children because of someone else's doing? Who would be there for them? My perpetrator? Their druggie father? My sister who says she's all for sexual assault and yet sweeps the shit that happened to her and her children under the rug? My brother who has a mental illness and can flip like a switch? Get thrown into the system? I think all these things and more. The worst thought I had I wouldn't dare speak out. I don't know how to live life on this rock I need to move far away to save me. My speed donor ruined everything for me. My memories the places the family. I'm all alone. I even think that I should even get checked into a mental institution considering my most recent thoughts.