So...Something happened last year during lockdown. It all started when I confessed my boyfriend that when we broke up one time i made out with someone. I recorded a video of confession and sent it to him. It took me 4 months to tell him. I had to tell him it was killing me from inside. But i didn't tell him that i went to the resort with my friend who liked me. I was soo emotional that night, because the reason of the breakup was my boyfriend left me at the railway station at 12 midnight. and i missed the last train and then i was all alone and scared, so i called that friend, who picked me up and he took care of me and we went to a hotel. Then after 1 month i called him to be with me again because i loved him so much. I also didn't tell him that my friend got close to me in the car earlier also. So, I only had the guts to confess him that i kissed my friend in the cinema hall and made out little bit. Initially our long distance relationship was going good but after he found new job he was changed. I never met his friends or talk to anyone, I was just a secret in his life. 1.5 years and i was still no one to his life. Only his secret GF. THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY.HIS SIDE OF THE STORY BEGINS...When he saw my confession, I was so scared, my whole body was shivering. Then he sent me a picture, a girl was sleeping with my boyfriend in a room. He said I slept with my ex during our relationship. He he fell in love with her and that she deserved me. And suddenly my heart started shrinking, I was punching on the bed, wall in anger. I could even listen to my heart beats running so fast. seeing that picture was worse than anything he had done with her. He said he slept with her 2 times, in a hotel and his home. He told me to call my friend and say that what i did was disgusting and wrong that it was a mistake. I did everything what he said to me. he searched my instagram and saved every chats even of before our relationship. The next 2 months was just in guilt, heartbreaks, pain, depression trauma... I started having anxiety issues, weight loss, there was a time when I didn't eat for 4 days. I couldn't go to Hospital because of Covid. My dad is a doctor so he treated me. I had typhoid. Every second of my life was going through hell, the guilt that I didn't tell him the details and that have i also cheated on him? thinking of the thought of that girl and him sleeping together. Even when he used to tell me every night how madly he's in love with me. I was in so much pain. It was toxic. He said some mean things to me which was unbearable. I was never a bad girl. I never listen abuse or abused. But I was listening all of it, just because I thought I deserved it. Did I?We fought a lot, i cried a lottt. we tried to give another chance but couldn't do it. He went away. He just vanished. after a week i tried to do everything that will make me distracted, pulled myself back did some creative things. I was dealing, moreover i was getting to know me better. I was trying to find peace.I guess it was for 1 month only. He came back. Picked up his call. He said to Give it a try again. I didn't know what to say, where was he a month ago, now when i'm trying to deal everything he wants to get back together. I said no. he used to msg me every day, saying things about love. I wanted believe and trust this relationship again. After 15 days he convinced me. We were back. But the pain exaggerated. by talking having second thoughts every day about where he's now. can i trust him. I was becoming a psychopath, whose life was revolving just in the fear of his boyfriend cheating on him every fucking day. We didn't meet for 6 months, so i said to meet me. I had to meet him to feel love again to see him feel his presence. SO, me meet. I booked a cab and went 400kms away from home. We met it was Refreshing. staring each other's eyes touching was making feel alive again. I already said that we will not be intimate untill we solve our problems. But the first night we met we did it. I saw love in his eyes, he said he want to do it, i didn't stop him. I was just a sleeping bosy while it was happening. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't feel anything. Well, honeymoon was over, the next day I saw something on his phone i told him to let me see but he didn't. And first time in my life i checked someone's phone. and saw some chats. He was lying to his friends that he's single. And many more flirting chats. I talked to him, he said sorry this will not happen again and will tell them right now that he's with me. Well you can say he manipulated me. But that night went crazy as hell. i said something and he started chocking me. I pulled him away slapped him, then he pushed me so hard that my head touched the wall. and i fainted for seconds. He got scared. He Took care of me.I was okay. he was in tears. At that time i wanted to go back to home so badly. He said we will go tomorrow. The whole night he convinced me that we can make through this. But how can I? I said okay because I loved him too much. I was blind. I wasn't seeing anything properly. But my friends made me see, when I told them what happened. So again i broke up with him. He used to cry everyday to talk to him. I used to talk to him to make him see that this is for good. Every night he used to cry he made me see that he was depressed. And seeing him like that made me miserable. But one day something came up to my mind, that this has to get over. I have to move on with my life. I cannot make this my whole life suffering everyday. I dropped him my final msg and said this will be my final decision. He replied very nicely that day. He understood, and said that he wants me to be happy. I was happy to see his reply. BUT. He called me the next day, saying things like he lied about that girl, he didn't sleep with her. He lied because he wanted to see me in pain. Then again, I was shocked that how can he say this, Noo you're lying to me. I didn't believe in anything he was saying. He was again playing with my mind. I said You're lying and I wont believe in anything you'll say. Then when he realized that I'm not in his control, he sent me this long msg about that girl. THE truth. That he want in relationship with that girl the whole time. He said that she was worth it. He told me some things which i cannot even type right now. I was numb. I didn't reply. So he sent me that msg again on mail 2 times, on whatsapp 3 times on text that same msg, but I ignored. I didn't have the energy to waste another second to say anything to that boy. I knew he wants to hurt me. SO I ignored. I said to myself what he wants I'll not give that to him. I will work on myself, love myself, focus on my work. AND I DID.Today after 6 months, I'm in a better place, much happier. But somethings are still inside me left unsaid. So it was killing me. I'm stuck in the past. I'm depressed again. I don't feel good. I can't sleep. I get episodes of my past sometimes. It feels like I'm stuck. So, I'm writing all of this to see, if this will make me feel good. Or will give me some answers.I don't know if anyone will read this. But I need some answers. Help me. what should I do?Thank you for being a part of my story." email@example.com " This is my ID. If anyone wants to say anything you can mail.