it's utterly fucking wild to think that last year was one of the best years of my life. i got help and was put on medication which turned my life around in the best way possible. for the first time in a decade, i wanted to live. i didn't have a goal or anything and my job was kinda shitty, but i was happy to exist. do you know how crazy that is to feel after ten years of wishing every day that you were dead? i was exhilarated, i took risks, i went to concerts and i met people and i fell in love and i had the holiday of a lifetime. it was incredible, i was so fucking happy. i just smiled all the time, i laughed, i made friends for the first time in i don't know how long, i wasn't afraid to talk to strangers. i could hold a conversation with a rando in the street, i didn't just dissolve immediately into a panic attack. people liked me??? i liked me! i haven't liked myself for years. i'm still on the medication, but fuck. things are so bad. i've lost my job, my girlfriend and i broke up, and i'm rapidly losing the motivation and interests i grew over the past 12 months. i can't stand living, i feel like a fucking failure. i feel like i am just a waste of skin, i'm just waiting to die. every day i think i'll go and take all the pills in the house or hang myself from my closet or drink bleach or something. i don't want to live. it's pointless. it is all pointless. there's no rhyme or reason to any of this. the world is falling apart and i cannot handle the stress of it. capitalism is literally destroying the world and nobody gives a shit? people in this country are going back to work and being normal, despite the fact our death toll hasn't gone down and our numbers are going back up again, all because the government want to keep the economy from crashing. how sick is it that money is more valuable than human life? all of the dreams i ever had fell through thanks to bullying, a mentally abusive mother, and my father being put in jail for pedophilia when i was 16 (never touched me or did anything to me thank god), but i carry that with me all the time. it's my fucking burden, my curse. i can't trust anyone with anything, i can't have an argument or a confrontation because i'm too fucking scared of what'll happen to me, i'm so used to being screamed at and threatened or slapped whenever i make a mistake. i'm too scared to make noise in my own home. i can't hear a woman yelling because it sends me into a panic state. what is the point? if i want to die so badly, why don't i just do it? we're all just going to die anyway, why not control it? i'm just a number in a system, and in this world that's all i'll ever be. i'm not considered a person, just meat for the wealthy to use as a shield. ok lmao that got emo