I really don't wanna die, but there's nothing for me. I love life, but at the same time I wish i never got to experience it. I genuinely wish that my body would just die and i could still be here. Nobody to bother me, no expectations. If i could just move out maybe i could achieve that, but i feel trapped to the point where it feels like dying is the only escape.
I've pushed all my friends away, I don't know how to make new ones, everything is so overwhelming that i have no break to cope, and my mum doesn't understand any of what im battling against. I can't tell her more than i've already tried. She talks about everything i tell her, i feel like i have no privacy, it's humiliating.
I just wish i could have a happy life but i dont know where to even start, i'm so stressed, my life is a mess, i just wish i could have all my little comforts that keep me safe and nothing else to bother me. Suicide has been on my mind since i was 13, i'm almost 20 now. I know i'll never be brave enough to go through with it but everyday i think about it more, and everyday it hurts so much i struggle to breathe. I'm losing more of the person i used to be everytime the pain hits and i dont know who i am anymore, who am i supposed to be? What am i supposed to do? I truly wish i could just vanish into thin air. If i could go back in time to prevent my birth, I would, because i genuinely dont know the meaning of me, and that scares the shit out of me.
I dont feel safe anywhere and i cant tell my mom this because she doesn't fucking understand, she'll either disregard me or take me to a second stupid doctor with their stupid little fill-in test and declare since i barely reach the 'requirements' of having depression, that means it doesn't exist and will not grow to be a problem. Well, considering the test for ''You have suicidal thoughts'' went from ''only a little'' to ''almost every week'', i would say that's bullshit. Nobody listens when i tell them i'm hurting so badly it feels like my lungs will collapse, and god i wish they would.
I'ver never been worse for wear and my outlook on life has turned so negative i just dont know what to do.
Thanks for reading, i hope you all have it better than me. -C