2 months ago
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Suicidal thoughts have become normalcy, but i'm too scared.

I really don't wanna die, but there's nothing for me. I love life, but at the same time I wish i never got to experience it. I genuinely wish that my body would just die and i could still be here. Nobody to bother me, no expectations. If i could just move out maybe i could achieve that, but i feel trapped to the point where it feels like dying is the only escape.

I've pushed all my friends away, I don't know how to make new ones, everything is so overwhelming that i have no break to cope, and my mum doesn't understand any of what im battling against. I can't tell her more than i've already tried. She talks about everything i tell her, i feel like i have no privacy, it's humiliating.

I just wish i could have a happy life but i dont know where to even start, i'm so stressed, my life is a mess, i just wish i could have all my little comforts that keep me safe and nothing else to bother me. Suicide has been on my mind since i was 13, i'm almost 20 now. I know i'll never be brave enough to go through with it but everyday i think about it more, and everyday it hurts so much i struggle to breathe. I'm losing more of the person i used to be everytime the pain hits and i dont know who i am anymore, who am i supposed to be? What am i supposed to do? I truly wish i could just vanish into thin air. If i could go back in time to prevent my birth, I would, because i genuinely dont know the meaning of me, and that scares the shit out of me.

I dont feel safe anywhere and i cant tell my mom this because she doesn't fucking understand, she'll either disregard me or take me to a second stupid doctor with their stupid little fill-in test and declare since i barely reach the 'requirements' of having depression, that means it doesn't exist and will not grow to be a problem. Well, considering the test for ''You have suicidal thoughts'' went from ''only a little'' to ''almost every week'', i would say that's bullshit. Nobody listens when i tell them i'm hurting so badly it feels like my lungs will collapse, and god i wish they would.

I'ver never been worse for wear and my outlook on life has turned so negative i just dont know what to do.

Thanks for reading, i hope you all have it better than me. -C

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2 months ago

Re: Suicidal thoughts have become normalcy, but i'm too scared.

i feel the same way i want to die but i want to achieve my dreams i guess i have no choice but to live even tho im really in pain but when i meet bts they gave me more reasons to live that we should love our selves just listen to their song cry and remember that even tho they can't personally comfort us they can comfort us through their songs....


I wish I could be in a situation where I can't say this, but... same. I can relate. I want to die too. I just still scared I guess. I haven't gotten enough preparation, and my biggest fear on this is failure. I'm scared that I fail to die and ended up living in more pain.

Hi C, I'm probably on the other side of the world right now but I'd still want to give you *hugs*. I know that you're in a difficult situation right now, especially knowing that even you're own parent doesn't feel like she understands you. But I'm sure she's worried about you. Maybe, she's also stressed with you're condition that her way of defusing her stress is to talk to people about it. I know it doesn't sound right but maybe she doesn't realize it yet :(

I know that you feel trapped right now. But try to take things slowly. How about you try to list at least 3 things that you'd to do that would make you happy. Write something that is feasible, something that you can do, something that would take your mind away from problem. I know this wouldn't solve you problem right away but at least you'll have something to look forward to :)

I used to have suicidal thoughts too. But when my father died of cancer, that incident really woke me up. Life is very precious.

I think it would really help if you have someone who can be your stronghold. It was difficult for me to move on from my father's death because I was really close with him and I was like you, I pushed people away. But time heals i guess. Maybe you can start making friends by sharing to you're classmate or someone a chocolate or candy. People usually doesn't refuse food. 😉

Wishing you well ♥