I have been an empty shell with no emotions all of my life. I can not be happy. I have tried. I have lived my whole life knowing I don’t want to live. Medication doesn’t work. Therapists don’t work. Outpatient work doesn’t work. So..
THIS is me.
I hurt soooo much.
But my heart loves SO much and feels guilt even more. So much more that..
That I do THIS instead of being the selfish person you say I am for trying to end my life.
Without you knowing..
I do THIS to keep YOU happy.
I do THIS, so that YOU don’t think I am a selfish person or so that I don’t have to listen to you tell me again that I am selfish and stupid.
I do THIS so that you don’t have to tell people when I’m gone how selfish suicide is.
So that when I’m gone you don’t have to cry about how you wish you knew I was in so much pain that I had to do something ‘so selfish’...
Even though when I was still alive, all the signs were there and you never helped or even bothered to ask if I was ok.
I take pills..
I drink alcohol..
all to numb the pain.
All to numb the voices and the thoughts in my head that I see and hear all day long.
There’s an easy way out.
But I do THIS instead... to keep you happy.
I do THIS!
I inflict insane amounts of pain on myself all over my body so that I can feel SOMETHING.
I inflict an insane amount of pain on myself to watch myself bleed.
To watch the streams of blood pour out of me from my wrists, my arms, my thighs, my legs, my ankles.
To remind myself that I am still alive and hate it.
To remind myself that I haven’t yet/again disappointed you with my selfishness.
But it’s ok!
because I am not being selfish!
I am not being stupid!
I am still here, alive and breathing.
That is all that matters. Right?
That’s what YOU want right?
You want me here. In a world that I don’t want to be in.
As long as I’m alive, that’s all that matters to you.
THIS doesn’t work...
but THIS is the best feeling I’ve got.
THIS is all I’ve got. Unless I want to disappoint you with my selfishness of course.
I will wear a smile on my face.
I will Laugh all day. I will pretend I am happy, To make you happy. To prove that I am still around. Here. Alive.
Then I will go home and start all over again.
*Who cares how I feel or how I have to/will spend my life.. as long as Im breathing. Right?
So tell me.. why is it that I am the selfish one? How am I the selfish one when I am literally struggling to keep myself alive every single day just so that you are happy, so that you don’t have to think that I am selfish?*
I stick around to live a life of pain and torture.. just because you want me to.
Because it makes YOU happy.
Suicide isn’t selfish.
Everyone around a person who wants to end their life is selfish. No one actually truly cares about the feelings of someone who wants to end their life. All that matters is that they are ‘still here’.
If they did...
they would accept that and understand.
And let me go.