Was thinking of killing myself tonight.
Self harmed for the first time in like idk. Years maybe.
I've realized in the past week im a deeply flawed person that needs attention to be happy but even with that once the attentions off of me I double down on my previous thoughts of "Everyone hates me" and shit.
There was a tweet going around today that said being jealous or possessive of friends is toxic and thats very likely true. Yet I have a personality disorder that makes me over depend on all my relationships. One I'm getting treated for but it feels impossible.
I'm selfish and my friends are never free to talk when I want them to be. And due to that my mind tells me to emotionally hurt them. I haven't yet but I know its gonna happen really. I dont want to be here for that so I'd rather die. Of course everyone claims they dont want me to die. So i figured.. maybe I should just break things off. Stop talking to all my friends stop using socials. Go blank slate really. What could they do about it we're all online anyways.
I'm going to either be irredeemably toxic and pushed outta the friend group by force or leave silently without too much fuss. Surely the second option is better.
I know its toxic everything I do is. But I wonder how long before they notice. How long before they start to wonder. How long before they try and contact me. In the past when I stopped hanging out with some people it took like 3 months before any dmed me. If I dont make it obvious in any form it could go longer im sure.
Wonder if this is really a good idea?
Well. I guess to be fair none of my ideas are good.
Thanks for reading internet strangers