So, quick note I have a digestive disorder that makes taking care of myself challenging. I am on medication, a special diet, and have specific exercises I have to perform daily, however my stomach can still throw itself out of wack and this is the best I can do. Because of this I am on always on the skinner side, the only difference is that I can be anywhere from a healthy 115 lbs ( the heaviest I have ever been in my life ) to a sickly 89 lbs ( this was a very unhealthy weight for me, I was almost hospitalized that month ). Add to the fact that growing up like that that can mess with the way you hold yourself. Thankfully I have never displayed signs of an eating disorder but I am still self conscious about my clothes. I honestly hate shopping for clothes because it is a constant back and forth of “do I get something that fits my body well now or do I give myself room just incase I reach a higher weight” “am I gaining weight or losing weight” “should I just get something big so people don’t notice when I lose the weight again” and usually I can’t stand to look in the mirror while trying on clothes because I start worrying about the fit and “why even buy anything you have been about the same handful of weights since high school”. Sometimes buying clothes seems pointless because I have months of the year I can still fit in the clothes I bought back in middle school for crying out loud. I sit in my college study group wearing my vale middle school PE uniform shirt pretending I didn’t tighten my belt another loop this month. Yesterday I was digging out my summer clothes and checking which set would fit the “bigger” section, the “skinny” section or the “extra skinny” section. This time it was the extra skinny section and I feel stupid standing in front of the mirror wearing these clothes that I have owned for almost a decade but I really can’t justify to myself buying a new pair of shorts when I might not fit in them next month. I really want to be able to just buy a shirt and not think about how it would fit if I lose or gain weight because I my weight can change so quickly that I have to think about that. I have these dresses in my closet that my aunt gave me I have never worn them because they are too big for me but I keep hoping that one year I get back to 110 and I might be able to wear those practically new dresses. I tried on my prom dress just to see and the dress that had once hugged my figure so well can’t even stay on my body anymore.