I’m trying to understand who am I in the eyes of other people. Because I am so complex in my own thoughts, I don’t even have a vision of who am I to myself. And there is that analogy with chess, that I find applicable to almost any direction that intend any long-term development. It gave me some vision I haven’t ever think about before. And we, people, are very good at seeing connections where there really is nothing. But building models of this world is something our brain is very proficient in. It gives as a strategy, a vision, and it definitely makes any process much more interesting. And it makes us very deliberate, can sometimes give as a lot of confidence, and often confidence is the major point that is missing in all of us. And I’m trying to explain it because I always blame myself for thinking too much. I think a lot, but it doesn’t help. I feel like I need something more, but once again, I’m here to think about it. I won’t lie, I like it. I like to write. Sometimes I really do find something that fascinates me, makes me so high without consuming any substances. But on the other day it all seems to be just another bullshit that doesn’t help me to live in any possible way. Perhaps, all these thinking processes have a huge effect on our personalities, our perception of the world, we just don’t realise it. I believe there always is a way to solve each and every psychological problem that we experience, but we always tend to create a couple of new one here and there. And that’s just how it is. Otherwise, we would stagnate. And what if that is what we really need. But let’s name it in a better, more pleasant way - not stagnation, but calmness. And that’s what always has been my goal - to find inner peace. And I had no issues with that goal for years - I realised inanity of each and every thing that is going on in this world. You might think that such perspective made me careless about things people usually care about. But what else is to do here? I’m just not programmed to suicide when it finally would make some sense. I’m here, so let’s do some human stuff like health, relationships, work. And let’s try to like that things, what’s the point otherwise? Let’s try to feel something true and high. Let’s keep some balance between this and that, be a nice human, earn some money, meet someone smart and beautiful, start some hobbies, all that stuff. And it was going fine, I made some decent progress. Failures still hurt me, but that’s just how our brain react to that sort of things, nothing I can really control(probably there is some medicine for that, but it’s fine, couple of days at most and I'm back to normal). That’s how I live. There are things that I like to do - and I will keep doing them. There are people that I like - and I will care about them. There are qualities in other people that I like - and I will seek them. There never will be enough time to try everything and everyone in this world. Good old folk balance always here for you. But all that stuff is clear, there is so much unclear going on in my head - and that are the models I was talking about at the beginning. That is what occupies my calmness. It’s like I always have to try, always to adjust. To people, to situations. Always change, always plan and think about next move here and there. Keep up with things. It’s just exhausting, I don’t feel any calm at all. And the analogy with chess that I was talking about - is that you are always doing moves. And no move is move as well. Sometimes you do blinders, sometimes you fetch luck and do some really winning move, and each and every game is a part of another bigger play. And to feel calm - we just have to win - to do right moves. On each board. For that we should be very conscience about the situation, learn the opponent, know openings and best practices. And all boards are connected to each other. You play on your health board and it affects your appearance board, that in turn, affects tons of other boards. You can make the same movement on some board, but outcome, or opponent’s reaction can be different depending on the situation on other boards. So moves should be prepared and well timed. And you don’t even know about every board you play. And sometimes there’s really nothing you can do at the moment to somehow proceed with the game, or don’t know what is the right move, or you are just to weak to make the move. But what’s all that about? What is it for? How should it help me? Why I so much want to develop that analogy/model. That’s what I asked myself at the beginning. I feel trapped because I feel there is some answer in all these models, I should do more thinking, but eventually I don’t really find any answer to the question. And I try to reach it from the other side, try to find some other cause of a problem, some solution or explanation, but when I fail I feel weak every time. I just want to be better. To be successful on each and every board. And these models doesn’t help. They don’t change who you are. That’s just some theory. You should go practice, that’s the only answer. Practice, practice, practice. But I don’t feel any desire to do that. Like my brain is saying “I’m in comfort zone I don’t ever want to leave, let’s just continue doing what we are doing, don’t push the things, let’s rotten and die.” Seems I need psychological help, but I always liked to solve the problems by myself. Another feeling is that right now I’m creating a problem that is not actually there. Thinking only hurts. And probably, it really is. Actually no. Going circles hurts. And thats what I usually do in my thinking. That’s another chess board. Think carefully about what you are thinking. Plan when and about what you thinking. Spend up to 30 minutes every second day about things you care or some question you want clarify for yourself, or like today, couple of hours once in couple weeks. But try to always move forward. Be creative in your thoughts - so that you don’t stuck on something, that really hurt your mind. And don’t make it complex. Usually it’s very direct things that affects your mind. A girl that doesn’t like you as you’d like to. Or the work situation where you stuck against your will. Or your surroundings(people or place) that depress you. Just play smart, move your way, listen to yourself. The question you should really ask yourself is “What I want to change at the moment the most?”. Just that. Usually you will find the answer easily. But sometimes you may decline it. Run from your own desires. Because of fear of someones opinion. Try to find a way around, do some movements, see the responses, play chess. Sometimes you just need to do some planning, to know what to do in next couple of days/weeks. Do your job. Do whatever you do. But don’t ever stuck! You may see no results of your hard work, but everything is decided in long runs, if you still want to finish what you are doing - go for it.