Hey, it's me. A survivor, a victim, and...a child.
I never actually admitted this to anybody but I was sexually assaulted last year when I was about to turn 13. My grandma had hired our neighbors friend to do some construction and painting for us. We were re-decorating my little brother's room and buying new stuff for it. Since my birthday was right around the corner he decided to give me $40 for it. I thought he was just being nice so I accepted not knowing that he thought he was practically buying me. When he gave me the money he opened his arms for a hug so I hugged him then he picked me up off the ground and continued hugging me.
I thought he was being nice so I told no one. A day after this happened I went into my room to lay for a bit and my light was out. Then he came into my room telling me he had a new bike he wanted to give me so like any other kid. I wanted that bike, once again he came in for a hug so I hugged him. He picked me up but this time he asked me for a kiss. I was so confused on what was going on since I was not even a teen yet.
So instead I just said and did nothing till he let me go and left. Again another day passed and he came back. This time my room light was on but me and him were the only ones up the stairs. He was in the other room so I thought nothing of it once again. But then he came into my room, closed the door and started touching me. I literally couldn't move at all. Then he took off his shirt and still I was dead silent and still. I finally moved when he took my shirt off and started touching me more sexually. I told him no yet he kept going.
Then I told him no one more time and left the room without saying anything more. I was too scared to tell anyone because I thought that it was my fault because the way I dressed and acted attracted him. I'm 13 now about to turn 14 and still I have not told anyone about what had happened. Ever since that day I hate giving people hugs. I hate talking to people I don't know or people who touch me alot, and when people ask me a question I don't answer for a while.
He still works for my grandma and I still see him but whenever he comes over I make sure to stay close to my brothers and not make eye contact or talk to him. I know that he still looks at me but I chose to ignore it. I don't know what to do anymore because ever since then i've wanted to die or tell someone but i never seem to be able to get the words out. I tried killing myself a number of times. I even punched myself since I still think it's my fault it happened to me. I now wear weird things and have a weird style.
I dont even like guys anymore and now am a lesbian. I miss my old style but don't want to go back to it cause I think then others will think that it is all right to do it to me also. On one hand I am grateful that I didn't tell anyone so that I am not asked questions like why I didn't tell them sooner but on the other hand i'm mad at myself because I could have done something to help me and other little girls my age. I really want to start off by telling my siblings but I am still looking for the strength to do so.