Everyone says that its like a deep dark hole that you can't get out of, but that's not my experience with it. It's like becoming a turtle, going so goddamn slow and watching life pass you by. You're trying to go your fastest, you're pushing yourself as hard and quickly as you can. You're draining yourself to just move an inch when everyone else has already gone a mile.
It's brought on by so many little things. Severe allergies to a beloved pet. A small apartment. Cat hair everywhere. You can't cook food because the cats won't leave you alone. You get hungry. You sneeze when you leave your room. You get sad and they love you, then you have a bad reaction because you were crying into a cat.
You have severe eczema, everyone just tells you to shower and use lotion. Your skin dries if you don't shower within 24 hours. Sometimes you have to spend time wiping down with a wet towel to keep moisturized. If you over moisturize, the grease irritates your sensory overloading and you rip your skin off anyway.
Getting ready in the morning, just the basics without hair and make up take 40 minutes because of your skin. If you get up at 11 am, suddenly its noon. Where did the morning go? You haven't even eaten.
You don't even know what you want to do today. You do something, draw maybe, and it takes hours to settle on a sketch you like. The voice in the back of your head nags about time, always about time. Time for this, too long on that, it's getting late. Is it 5 already?
You have to wipe down again.
Now its 6.
You promised to play a game with someone, they're still waiting. You play but you aren't feeling it. You last 30 minutes before you get irritable and end the session. They say its fine, but you know they'll bring it up next time.
Its next time. You fight. All your points are irrelevant because you've expressed yourself a million times already. You want to scream and shout the same things over and over again as if some new words would be said to make you feel better. They get irritated. No new words are said. No epiphany happens. You ended up hitting them, and they left. You're alone.
You've always been all alone.