\tAs an adolescent, I grew up online, small friend group in school, and my mother made it impossible for me to leave the house, since strangers can't be trusted. \tBecause of my lack of face-to-face interaction, I found a community on discord. I was young, 14, and the community grew fast around me. It felt good receiving positive attention and affirmation when, at the time, I felt like I didn't receive any from the people around me. I grew more desperate for attention as the community got bigger. Not from the group though, just from individuals. I was looking for genuine connections, romantic connections, because that's what I thought I needed.\tThe environment of the server wasn't very minor friendly, so I received some adult attention. Yet, I liked it. Attention is attention after all. I only ever gave my time to 3 or 4 people though. And each person I spent a lot of time trying to believe I could have something with them. Obviously, I was simply being used. I knew this, but getting affection felt good when I had never received it for so long. They'd ask for sexually explicit images, voice calls, or video calls, and I'd give it to them, because I was afraid of losing them, I guess. I was a bored teenager looking for some attention. It felt more like a game to me at the time.\tMy guilt and conscious always got the best of me though. Once the ""relationships"" were ""deep"" enough, I had a feeling things would end badly, and the fear of being caught by my parents terrified me, so I would tell them that it wasn't right and call it a day. This happened to me on 4 occasions. Each one, I only blame myself for. I made all these excuses in this post, but in the moment, I was just bored. I cared about those people, as silly as it sounds. And I threw them away like old toys once I got bored with them or when I got to scared of what the ""relationship"" might entail. \tThe last person though, #4, had no sexual exchanges with me, it was more like flirtatious banter. I met #4 towards the end of my discord phase. Still, we built up a pretty good connection.I dropped #4 once I found myself my first real-life relationship.\tIt felt wrong to continue talking to that person because I was genuinely head-over-heels for my RLR (real life relationship). It didn't feel good doing that. I felt like I had lost a friend, which is what happened. I was in that RLR for almost a year, but I realized that they never put 100% in like I did for them. All I really want is reciprocation. So we parted ways. \tI had started to fall out of love with my RLR 3 months before we broke up, but I stayed out of fear of facing the truth. During that time, I was talking to another one of my friends, we'll call them J, and they were so nice and kind, they were a great support. I had started liking J. Isn't that just repulsive?I was still in a relationship, yet I was developing feelings for someone else. Once I broke up with my RLR, me and J spoke more until about 2 months later, we got into a relationship. This all sound so shallow, and there are so many details I'm leaving out. All of my decisions are stupid. I'm speaking to #4 again, but there's no flirting. I love J with every bone in my body. I want to tell J about every ""relationship"" I've had but I'm afraid. How do I explain #4 to J? So, tell me, what am I? A whore? Probably. An idiot? Definitely.