this could go out to about 20 different people, and i want to personally thank some of them.dad, i am so glad you didn't stay. you wouldn't like who i am becoming either way, and i don't need another person not supporting the real me. you don't know anything about me and who i actually am. did you know that i see a therapist once a week? we talk about you and the issues you gave me a lot. i have bpd and severe abandonment issues that i have to fight every single day. did you know that i came out? i know you would hate that. i have a girlfriend now, you would probably hate that even more. i played violin for 5 years. danced for 12 years. cheered for two years. ive had two jobs. i saw my first shooting star. i got my license. i fell in love a couple times. i have been abused verbally, physically and sexually by not only you, but almost all the stepdads that came after you too. im trying to learn to forgive you, but i dont think im strong enough too yet. your absence in my life has made me so much stronger than i ever would have been with you around. thank you for making me who i am today, someone you wouldnt even recognize. my first love, you never ever chose me. i was always there waiting around for you, always the second choice. i was so young and you put me through so much pain. i would have done ANYTHING for you. i know everyone says that but i mean that so so much. i looked at you like you put the stars in the sky, literally nothing you did was wrong to me, even when you mentally destroyed me. heres the thing noah, you could have said no from the start. you could have told me you didnt want me. but you didnt. why didnt you just make it easier for the both of us? why did you always keep me there, waiting in case you needed me? do you know what its like to want nothing from this whole entire universe except for one person to love you back? i dont want your "love" anymore. i havent needed it for about three years now. ever since the night you saw me get sexually assaulted, and sat back and watched, i havent needed shit from you. you see, that was not love. hurting someone that bad is not fucking love. you saw how selfless i was, how i would give up my whole life for you, and you took advantage of that. i will never ever need someone ever again after that. from that point forward i promised myself i wouldnt ever need anyone but my self. thank you for making me do that. sometimes i wish how soft and pure my heart was before that, but i know now its for the better.my ex bestfriend, you were the one would made me realize i liked girls. i would never say that to you. you lead me on so hard i dont care what anyone says. you use to makeout with me, shower with me, do my hair for me, tell me how perfect i was, you would rub my back before i went to sleep, you literally took me out on dates. maybe you didnt mean to do that, but it hurt so bad. i was already so confused. i was scared and didnt have anyone to turn too. i told you everything, things i had never ever told anyone else. we even lived together for a little. i guess i never realized how much i liked you until you got a boyfriend. i was so hurt and that part isnt on you. i told you how scared i was to lose you and you said it would never happen. you cut me off for him two weeks after. you knew how bad my life was then and you turned your back on me like i didnt mean shit. you can try to come back now but its too late. it was too much and i refuse to do that to myself ever again.