Everyday feels like hell. The never ending cycle of anxiety attacks have taken a toll. No, I'm not talking about suicide. I just want to break out of this chain. I'm a person with social anxiety and my workplace requires constant interaction with unknown people. When I talk to people I know well, I can be the coolest person they have ever met but nobody knows about my dirty little secret : my social anxiety. I cannot talk to strangers and it's a nightmare for me to call clients / unknown people and discuss about topics. I do not stutter in real life but the socially anxious me is a dead end stutterer. It feels like there are 2 people living in me. One, the normal me who is cool too hang out with and the other, who is scared and wants to lock himself up in a room devoid of all social interactions.
Every time I stutter while reading something out in public, the normal me bashes the other side of me and it leaves me scarred and my confidence goes down the gutter. Why can I not be like everyone else? Why can't I have a normal life? Why am I more comfortable texting and writing anonymous blogs about myself in this website when I could have a sparkling life with the anxious person inside me murdered and thrown in a sewer?
I need to come to terms with myself as this is living hell. I've tried listening to motivational speeches and I know I can overcome anxiety but don't know how. This feeling of incompleteness is killing me from inside while I want to go out and have a normal life. I'm worth every happiness in life but there's no end to this dark tunnel I'm currently in. I hope I see the light soon.