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The abyss of duality

Everyday feels like hell. The never ending cycle of anxiety attacks have taken a toll. No, I'm not talking about suicide. I just want to break out of this chain. I'm a person with social anxiety and my workplace requires constant interaction with unknown people. When I talk to people I know well, I can be the coolest person they have ever met but nobody knows about my dirty little secret : my social anxiety. I cannot talk to strangers and it's a nightmare for me to call clients / unknown people and discuss about topics. I do not stutter in real life but the socially anxious me is a dead end stutterer. It feels like there are 2 people living in me. One, the normal me who is cool too hang out with and the other, who is scared and wants to lock himself up in a room devoid of all social interactions.


Every time I stutter while reading something out in public, the normal me bashes the other side of me and it leaves me scarred and my confidence goes down the gutter. Why can I not be like everyone else? Why can't I have a normal life? Why am I more comfortable texting and writing anonymous blogs about myself in this website when I could have a sparkling life with the anxious person inside me murdered and thrown in a sewer?


I need to come to terms with myself as this is living hell. I've tried listening to motivational speeches and I know I can overcome anxiety but don't know how. This feeling of incompleteness is killing me from inside while I want to go out and have a normal life. I'm worth every happiness in life but there's no end to this dark tunnel I'm currently in. I hope I see the light soon.

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Re: The abyss of duality

I ve been through something like this too. I was incomfortable with speaking publically or even messaging in group chats(and a lot more). When the quarantine has come I got to a point where I was only talking to my brother and SOMETIMES to my bestfriend at that time. When the summer came I started hangout a lot with that bestfriend who is kind of popular in my town and VERY social. I started hanging out with her group as well. At first I felt very anxious and had the feeling that nobody wanted me there or considered me dumb or silly. But at one point I just started not to care anymore(at that point I still was anxious and shy, but not as much as before). After that I started school(last year I was always on my own in the breaks ) and even though I wasn t that comfortable, I started chatting with my classmates in person and on group chats. Now I even offered to present a project in English(a foreign language to me),in front of the whole class and my English teacher . I feel like I evolved. Even though I explained it as being very easy, it wasn t. A lot of crying, guilt and disgust of my own self were involved. I know how hard it is. You just have to try meet new people. Even through messages. It helps boosting your self confidence. Of course, this was my case... I don t know if this would work for you,but I just said my point of view. I hope I helped you.