I’m very jealous and it is sickeningIm very extremely jealous of my close friend, and i hate feeling this way.I feel rotten and i dont know how to stop.I know im always a competitive individual amongst my circle, but i dont constantly compare myself to everyone as much as i do to myself to her. And the thing is, she doesn’t know i feel this wayFirst thing you need to know she’s very beautiful (petite body, jawline, clear skin, sharp eyes, thick yet soft hair). She’s very athletic, the captain of my school’s cheerleader team and shes a finalist on my city’s ambassadors of tourism contest. She also tends to catch people’s heart quickly (not romantically) and she has alot of friends outside of school. She’s also a top ten student based on grades in my class (on a few subjects she cheated for it but at this point everyone at school does that). She’s also a part of the school modern dance club. In all, she’s really perfect, better than me in anyway.In comparison based from what my friends said about me (and physically but this is coming from me) i am a short, chubby round faced, and sleep deprived teenage girl. I have braces on so my face tends to make really funny and ugly expressions, im not necessarily ugly but i dont think people can say im objectively as pretty as my friend. I’m not that bad at school but I have a lower grade than her but i barely cheated(I got in top 20 in my class), i’m more of a funny lad and got made fun of more in my circle with her while she’s the cheerful, popular one. And before i didn’t compare myself as much to her (usually only grades), until my crush gets way closer to her than me.I have this crush on my very close guy friend, we used to hangout CONSTANTLY, like if i wasn’t hanging out with the girls i would play with him and another very close friend guy friend. There was a time when he likes me and i found out over a notification i accidentally saw on his phone but because i was suprised i didnt thought about liking him back. Until next semester we kinda drifted for the reason i took my tutoring more than before while she got closer to him naturally and bonded over kdramas. She’s naturally clingy and flirty so i was anxious the whole time while she probably didnt think much about it. I got really jealous but decided to study it off my mind (didnt work). And i know this might sound like im being dramatic but he cares about his twitter likes alot, he only likes pictures of his ideal kpop idols or pretty influencer so he never really gives out likes to many. But in her selfies on twitter, you can see his name in the likes all the time while never doing so to mine and thats when i got extremely insecure and jealous (im not proud at all, i cried when i felt this way the first time). It also took me back to the time one of my guy friend (not crush) said “Wouldn’t you want to be more like her?” i brushed it off back then but i think about it alot.It has been 6 months after the event happened (they arent that close anymore due to the pandemic and so goes for me to my crush) but i still constantly think what would happened if there was no pandemic. Would they be closer because she’s more perfect than me? Would he compare myself to her, saying he was blind when he likes me? Would in his eyes, in everyone’s eyes she’s just a more pretty, sweet, better person than me?And even after i dont like him that much anymore, even after he’s not close to her anymore, the damage has already been done. I’m insecure and never felt enough when im near her. It has been going on till now and i feel horrible. I constantly try to make myself a worth comparison to her but i just cant seem to reach what she has achieved. I’m mentally discouraged when she achieved something, even minor things because i feel like im losing more and more to her. I really want to loosen myself up because feeling this way is tiring. I want to be like her, i want to be better than her, i want to be the best. Nobody in my friends group know i feel this way so it makes me feel more sickening. A paradox between my ambitions and morals. Machiavelli said there’s sometime a moral price when it comes to your ambition. And my moral price seems to be gratitude.I hope i do get better than my current self withou feeling this way. I hope i do achieve my goals without feeling i need to beat my friend in anyway. Even as a competitive person, this is too much.I hope i can improve myself morally and accept my growth without comparing myself to others. But that seems impossible for now so maybe theres tips from the people on the internet. Thank you for reading this till the end as i wrote all my rotten heart to it.Cheerio, S.