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The fear of failure

I don´t know when it started. According to my mom I used to be a loud and outgoing kid. I just remember suddenly feeling afraid and anxious, whether it be giving a speech, a speaking in public, making a first impression...especially making a mistake. The mere idea terrified me. I felt like I couldn´t breathe. At first I suspected that I was just a shy kid, but why did I feel like I was dying whenever I did an assignment that I wasn´t so sure of.

There was one time we had to hand over a folder of a project based on religion, but I noticed every other folder was blue while mine was red. I entered in panic and in the end I didn´t hand over that assignment, and that resulted in me getting a VERY low grade. My mother was furious and while she reprimanded me I felt like I couln´t breathe. My vision was turning black, and I was forcing myself to breathe but at the same time I felt that I would vomit. I ended up crying, almost choking on my sobs.

I was now afraid of failing my teachers, failing my parents, and failing myself.

I would procrastinate over ANY assignment no matter how simple it was. I was so afraid of doing something wrong that I sometimes chose NOT to do the assignment.

Today, I made a mistake that ended up with me scoring 10 out of 16 points in an exam. I didn´t realize that the teacher would be putting an audio. I just tried to answer everything as fast and diligently as I could. My mom was beside me while this happened. I hadn´t told her what had happened. While others had waited and heard the audio I was in a full blown panic. I began contemplating killing myself so that I wouldn´t have to deal with my mother once she discovered the truth. Moreover, I couldn´t believe that I had made such a mistake. I felt like I was actually dying.

I sent a message to the teacher about what had happened and while doing so I was already seeing the black spots overtake my vision.

I got a chance to do the exam again another day and I just broke down crying. At this point my mom already knew and although she was mad, she congratulated me on coming forth with my problem. Hours later, I am still shaken over the experience and the urge to vomit hasn´t quite gone away, but for the first time I confronted my fear and it makes me hope that I will overcome my fear of failure.