Today something happened that had never happened and something that I never wished to happen.Hi I'm a person for whom words and feelings from a few people are really important and affect me loads! And at the same time I'm really bad at expressing my own feelings, how much a person means to me, how important they are and without them my life is meaningless!I tell some words out of anger and frustration which I don't mean, which is taken in the wrong perspective! And I agree I'm wrong and I'm trying to change(but it's difficult).Today my mum who means the world to me felt my words were way to sharp and told the words that I feared the most that, she's ashamed to see that her child is turning to be the wrong person, someone who broke her heart and faith. Trust me I would never ever want to do that.When this happened for the first time I understood what it actually means for the heart to ache and suffer and break into pieces. I put a cloth over my mirror coz I just couldn't face my own self! I as a third person was started to see the way I was crying in the dark corner of the wardrobe and so scared , scared af!! Of what I've done. How I've ruined everything. How I didn't even realise that the only person that I didn't want to hurt in my entire life, is hurt because of my being. All materialistic winnings succes all goes waste at this point...life is just...idk very tricky, smart, unfair, bitchy idk. I've started earning now, with my first internship and I got my boss calling me to confirming a job. A point to be happy about how well I'm doing but I felt not a single but pleasant about it. I've never experienced this and mujhe kudh pe grin aa rahi hai... I hate myself. Untill yesterday I had great fears and hopes for my future. But now all that I fear is will I ever be able to raise and look at my own self will I be able to ever get up the self esteem and courage I had. I feel so bad. I'm not a worthy person, my mum deserves a better child! I hate myself soooo much. How did I get into this situation that one situation that I never wanted to be in, those few words I never wanted in my plate!. Love u mom always and I know I don't deserve u and I hate myself now!