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The muffled screams


What does it take to be a man? What makes a man? Being strong ? Being assertive? Being considerate? Being accomodating? Knowing you are loosing it but still holding on? Or letting go at the right time? 

Does being a man means having all the answers or knowing there is no answer? 

I have a troubled marriage. 

General sentiment says, who doesn't? 

But that's not true. The degree varies, the intensity varies, the coping mechanism and thereby the remedy varies. 

It's not a one shoe fit all kind of system. 

But what to do when you can do nothing. 

It's about to be midnight. I an hungry. Had a fight with my wife and thought about commiting suicide a dozen times, in a dozen ways. And that's not exaggerating! 

I hate to have been stuck in this situation, but I guess that's how life has been to me. 

Always stuck, not moving ahead so you don't get satisfaction of progress, not moving backwards so you are not jittery... Couldn't finish that sentence.. Was a lie. I'm backwards and underground and 6 feet under and submerged and just plain dead.. Stuck.. In this life.

How did I reach here? 

Well that is simple. I got married.. 

No no.. That's not the right answer.. I guess the correct answer is.. I was born.. There.. You have it.. That was the uno, primo, de facto cause of everything.. I was born.. And then of course the other point.. I got married.. 

It is such a shame that people get married.. To be honest I do not believe what I just said.. 

I, in my heart, truly believe marriage can be bliss . But damn it all to hell if you get married to the wrong person... It all goes to the crapper..

There is no story here.. Just frustration, pain, anguish, hurt and all those synonyms to "your life suck".

Marriage.. Made in heaven.. Executed on earth.. Leads to hell.. 

And I mean all kind of marriage.. Love more so than arranged I believe.. But that's just my personal grudge talking. 

How difficult is it for 2 person to get along? 

And I literally mean to just " Get Along"! 

Apparently.. Very... 

I mean if you are ready to shatter your peace of mind... Give up on any chance of having a baby and basically are ready to screw your marriage in every way possible then I think it is indeed very difficult for 2 people to just get along.. 

The blame here is also to the age old tradition of this bloody society being patriarchal mixed with the current era of rising feminism.. 

God why was it so difficult for you to just manufacturer same gender or if you did think of creating 2 genders then why not make them identical in every sense excluding the genitalia.. Of course points for thinking so that they could enjoy a bit.. But yes.. Identical still and not burden us with this patriarchy and matriarchy battle.. 

If you did feel the immense urge to create us the way we are then atleast could have sent us with a manual explaining the does and donts and rights and wrong and whom to care and whom to respect and whom to not and who marries and takes who's name and who moves to who's house and who leaves behind everything and who stays home and who goes out and who does bartan pocha and who cooks and who cares for the elderly including whose elderly etc.. 

This would have made life little simpler. 

Refer to the manual.. Hey it's there.. 

But no.. You in your infinite wisdom decided.. Hey.. You know what.. I gave you brains.. You figure it out. 

But what we interpreted was..you got brains.. Go fuck yourself. 

And that's precisely what we have been doing for the past so many years.. 

Screwing each other. 

And not in a good way I might add.