I’m 24 years old. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never had a real romantic relationship.
The only people who ever romantically/sexually had interest in me were predators. When I was 6, it was a guy in the park. When I was 12 it was a guy in the library who forced me to hug him and asked for my phone number and wanted to “get to know me”. When I was 14, I became friends with a woman on the Internet who was an adult who groomed me and pressured me into being with her. I thought I liked her, but I could feel something was deeply wrong as she kept pushing me to talk about sexual things. When I was 16, someone grabbed me and forcefully kissed me at an event.
I’ve been romantically stunted. I spent 6 years in college, never dated. Never allowed myself to touch anyone, barely hugged anyone, never kissed anyone. I’m an adult now. I could probably (post pandemic) hook up if I tried? But that’s so off limits in my mind. I don’t even know where to start. It inherently feels so dangerous.
And now, I’m talking with strangers online on things like Omegle to feel like I’m getting that sexual experience, but... That feels like I’m using it as a bad coping mechanism. I’m letting myself get used by strangers because it’s all I know. I don’t know how to stop and to cope healthier...
Someday in the future, I’m going to find a girl to date, I don’t think I’m completely hopeless there, but... How do I tell a girl that I’m 24 and have never had sex? Never kissed someone and meant it? I’ve never had the chance to explore that like a normal person without my history and anxiety hanging over me... I feel so unlovable. My brain is just steadfast in that the only people who will ever love me will be predators. Like it’s a fact in my mind now... And of course that affects how I conduct myself in relationships too... I don’t know. If anyone could spare a bit of advice or kindness... I would appreciate it.