trigger warning: i talk about mental illness and suicide. Right so I just need a place to vent and spill all my shit to without anyone knowing who I am or judging me so here is my word vomit. A little information about myself, I'm sixteen years old and I'm the oldest daughter of two immigrants in Canada. I've got a younger brother who's a pain in my ass but he's funny so it's cool. Where to begin? Well, I guess I can start with the fact that over the past few years, I've become the emotional support within my family. See, my mom, dad and brother all deal with physical health problems that can be terminal and fatal and I'm the only one who doesn't really have anything going on with me physically. mentally, I'm a whole lot of fucked up. I've got major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. All my problems are in my head and I hate it. Now, being the child of immigrants in a western country is hard enough, but having to manage and make sure that my family is all safe and healthy is something that is even harder. My mother is my rock, and she's very sensitive. I don't know what I would do without the woman but sometimes, it all gets to be a little too much. My dad works and my brother is a lazy piece of shit. My mom is on a disability pension because she's practically paralyzed, so that means I have to do all the house chores and be there for my mom because she and everyone in my family has just learned to lean on me, but the second I slip-up, have an off-day or just feel lazy because teenagers get lazy, I'm the bad guy and the entire house is in chaos and I just feel like it's all my fault but the second I start to get confrontational with my family about their actions, I feel like a shit daughter and older sister. It's just so much pressure and I never realized how much responsibility I really take on and I don't feel good enough. It's just so hard trying to manage all these things while attempting to deal with my own problems, but compared to everyone else my problems don't seem like that big of a deal. My mom encourages me to talk about what my problems are, but how am I supposed to tell her that my problem is that I don't feel good enough and that I don't want the life that she struggled to give me? It's just a lose, lose, situation and I hate it. So I never talk about it but sometimes, like today, everything gets to much and all my obsessions and anxiety comes crashing down on me and the underlying hatred that I have for myself is always there to make me feel even worse than I already do. Sometimes I feel like pulling the plug and ending it all. It's selfish considering how dependant my family is, but sometimes I don't feel like I have the strength to continue. It's the same thing with my friends and as much as I love them, I wish that I didn't always have to be the one to text first or call first. I wish someone would just ask me how I was doing and really push my walls down, because I'm not going to talk about it and...I don't know. I'm doing this to myself. I put myself in this position and I've learned to hide it from the world. Most of my friends don't even know that I have depression or that I've attempted to commit suicide, and I'd rather keep it that way. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to make anyone feel bad for me. I feel like I don't deserve it.It's just a shitty thing and I feel like I have no one to talk to or I don't want to dampen the mood with my friends and talk about how fucked up my mental health is. I've tried the whole national hotline thing and I just...it feels weird. I don't know how to talk about this stuff but I don't want to go to therapy because my dad doesn't believe in therapy and it's just this whole fucked up situation. Anyway, if anyone actually read this entire thing, thanks bro. Means a lot. I don't think I'm going to commit suicide because I have so much unfinished business but the pressure is getting to me. I am at my breaking point and I don't know how to go from here. Yeah, so that's my confession I guess. Thanks for reading it if you actually made it this far. Sorry for sounding like a brat and just complaining but I needed to let it out somewhere with the hopes that somebody feels even a sliver of what I'm feeling.