I guess it’s true what they say, pain demands to be felt. It’s a criminal, it will take everything you love away, without regretting it for a single second. I have felt pain deeply, sometimes it creeped up on me without any warning and possessed me to do inhumane things. How do cope with a demon inside of you? It causes sheer and utter pain that ultimately resulted in acts of self mutilation. I would rip into myself, and tear my paper thin skin to shreds just to ease the demons inside my head. I would do it to allow nostalgia of the previous night of panic attacks and terror from the sound of my dad stumbling up the stairs after his bottle of whiskey to flow over me the same as how waves flow aggressively over the ocean floor. We all have a poison. Mine is self harm , and my dad’s happens to be alcohol. I used to be able to handle it, but then mom got sick.
My mom was beautiful. She had long brown hair, and icy blue eyes- the kind of eyes that held a lifetime of pain and suffering and many, many bruises. She had a kind smile, one that made you feel at home. She was strong but she also had a poison. Her poison was my dad and there is nothing more lethal than being at the hands of a man who will hurt you because you put too many ice blocks in his glass of whiskey. She didn’t deserve to die gasping for her last breath, when she already did that once a week when my dad would pin her up against a wall. She didn’t deserve to die in the hands of the deadly pandemic.
I remember the day the lockdown was announced. All colour had drained from her face. Her cheeks fell from a rose red to a dull grey. To make matters worse they said the sale alcohol had been banned , that’s when all hell broke loose. “ It will be okay Love, I will pick up an extra shift at the store so we can buy some whiskey for the lockdown. “ I really hated it when she called him love, he did not love her, he loved controlling her and he loved watching her crumble in front of him because it made him feel powerful. He ignored my mom, and continued sipping on his double whiskey on the rocks.
The next day mom had a twelve hour shift at the grocery store. She worked hard to provide for my dad, even though he did not deserve it. When she got home my dad had already passed out on the couch but I had waited up for her like I did every night. It was the only time we were allowed to actually talk. She walked in and put her keys on the counter and sat down at the dining room table where I had prepared her some dinner. “ You shouldn’t be up at this time Violet, “ she said as she started clearing her throat. “ I know mom but I wanted to make sure you got home safe. How was your day at work? “ “ The place was packed, one lady refused to wear a mask and called the manager on me which caused a lot of chaos. “ “ That sounds terrible mom. Dad is asleep on the couch, I put a blanket on him so you can go straight to bed after you eat. “ Thank you my child. Sweet dreams. “ I walked up to my room and tried to get some sleep. The next day was the start of the lockdown.
The whiskey lasted a week, but something was wrong with mom. She was sleeping a lot, and she was coughing and wheezing all through the night which of course drove my dad mad. The real battle started as soon as my dad took the very last sip of his drink and realized he had none left. Every little thing set him off. He would hit me when I accidentally overcooked his steak, but it would be harder than usual. Those beatings caused a ringing through my ears that made me deaf for hours. I was not worried about myself though. I was worried about my mom who eventually stopped being able to walk more than five meters. It made my dad furious seeing her lay in bed all day, moaning in agony so one night he took things into his own hands. He stormed into the bedroom where she was sleeping. My heart dropped to my toes as I heard him. He was walking with a purpose. He forced the door open , the room was pitch black and he didn’t see the clothes on the floor so he lost his footing and that set him off. He was not seeing red anymore, he was seeing something much darker. He threw my mom out of the bed. She was weak so she couldn’t even stop him. He picked her up and opined her against the wall, she begged and pleaded for him to stop but it only made him tighten his grip. “ Shut up woman! All you have done for the last eleven days is sleep. “ I-I- I am sick, I can’t, I can’t breathe please stop. “ He threw her to the ground and got on top of her and started screaming about the lack of alcohol in the house, and then he started hitting her, as hard as his arms would allow. That’s when I ran into the room. “ Dad stop please you’re hurting her, “ the tears were streaming down my cheeks as I pushed him off of her. That’s when I became his new target. He sent his fist straight into my face and I fell to the ground. Everything blurred as he started attacking my mom again. I crawled with all my power and took the antique lamp from the side table and I hit him over the side of his head which caused him to pass out.
I tried to pick my mom up, by now she could not breathe and her blood was all over my clothes. I carried her to the car to rush her to hospital. She groaned as she got into the car. Her body was sore, but not because of the way my dad had just hurt her. She told me something was wrong so I started speeding up. “ Don’t die on me mom please hang in there. “
I pulled up at the hospital, I hadn’t quite mastered the art of parking yet so I almost drove straight through. I screamed for help and nurses and doctors rushed in. The sight of them was overwhelming. They rushed my mom into the trauma center. “ Has she been in contact with anybody who has tested positive for the Corona Virus? “ the doctor asked me. “ No, I don’t think so, but she’s been sleeping a lot, and at night she wheezes and it sounds like she can’t breathe. “ The doctor’s face went pale and he started shouting for nurses to come and test my mom and I. They took me away and I remember screaming for them to let me go. I couldn’t leave her, but they were stronger than I was and did the test anyway. They made me sit in an isolated room for hours.
Finally a doctor came. His face was sunken in and he asked if I was okay. I just brushed him off. My head was pounding and I just needed to know if my mom was okay. He put his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to offer me comfort. It didn’t work. “ Your test came back negative for the Corona Virus however, your mom’s didn’t. “ My heart dropped to my toes. “ Is she going to be okay? “ The doctor shook his head. The next words out of his mouth all sounded like mumbled slurs. It felt like a bomb had been placed into my already tragic life. He said I wasn’t allowed to see her due to how highly contagious the virus was, but I had nowhere else to go.
Suddenly it sounded like a dozen machines were going off, so all the nurses started running in one direction. The direction of my mom’s room. The doctor rushed off but I followed him. “ Mom please, you have to fight this you can’t leave me. Please mom, please “ I fell to my knees, “ She’s in cardiac arrest. “ The doctors started CPR. They pushed on her chest and sent jolts of electricity through her for what felt like hours. Then he called it, “ Time of death 02:43 am. “
She was gone. The one form of sunshine in my stormy life was gone. It felt like my heart had stopped beating, I wish it did but I was stuck on the hospital floor. The pain had paralyzed me. I started screaming uncontrollably, “ Bring her back! Please just bring her back! “ The room was spinning as the nurse rushed over to comfort me when everything went black.
That was a month ago. I woke up three days later, apparently when my dad hit me I had a major concussion which caused me to pass out. I was terrified over the next few days that my dad would come and fetch me, but he never showed up. I was put into foster care where a nice family decided to take me to their house. I now call that place home. The Corona Virus is at its peak but a cure has been developed and is being distributed.
*a little short story i wrote*