The thing I did a year ago

Time Spent- 39m
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I’m currently 16, a year ago I was in a toxic relationship with this boy from a completely different country. At the time I was repressing emotions from bullying, a full two years of ongoing surgeries and cysts on my ovaries and ptsd from a traumatic experience I dealt with as a young child- at the time he showed me love for a solid 1-2 weeks, after that it went downhill, and because I was struggling and blindly in love, I became attached. He never showed me love and he ignored me for hours on end, even when he was online, I stayed awake every night, and I began self harming. At the time I was in and out of hospital, I had mentioned my cysts before, and it wasn’t cancer, but cysts are a type of benign cancer, and to be honest I was scared of these cysts I was having, nobody really knew what was going on with my body, and so I mentioned they were a benign cancer that they would try to get rid of and that I was on certain medication for them (that they’d use for more extreme cases. If I’m being honest) and that if they couldn’t get rid of them (which I said they couldn’t) then I’d not have long left. Part of this was true, and part of it was a lie, I was on medication but not what I had told him, and we didn’t know how serious my Health was at the time which contributed to the, selfish comments from me saying I might not have long left, everyday since then. I feel so ashamed and helpless, realising I wasn’t fully honest with him or his friends (who I asked him not to tell) because I wanted to feel some sort of love or, care or, I wanted him to show me he cared for once, it makes me feel so shitty, I really want to tell them the truth but it was a year ago and they have all moved on probably and forgotten about me, but of course guilt is guilt. I won’t ever forget his friends telling me they’d pay to watch me hang myself but, even then it shouldn’t be an excuse for what I said and I just really needed to let it out, I into the open... because i truly am a horrible person