I'll have to start about a year before the actual date, so let's go back to 2019 for a brief moment. I was involved with a guy, younger than me by 4 years (I was 23 at the time and he was 19), and we had been sharing the same home for almost a year. For reasons that are way too extense to explain we both had to leave our home country, he left first then I joined him. The experiences we shared were bittersweet and in time more bitter than sweet. We broke up after our birthday month and I moved out. The aftermath of that relationship had me going to the therapist for some time, until I regained some of my self confidence. Still I was very anxious, I have always been like that. I overthink something as many times as you can possibly imagine and most likely more than that. So yeah... When I started being my better self, I promised to myself I would focus on me and my goals this 2020. But we all know this year is a fucking irony itself, so I ended moving in with friends at the beggining of the pandemic. I was with them for like, 5 months. During that time, I met a boy who was a friend of theirs and that I had already seen before but never spoken to. We started having late night convos and deep talks and all that. I don't know exactly, but I can say right now that maybe I did it because I missed feeling attracted to someone. I mean, since my break up I had just been by myself not really looking for anyone and I thought I'd stay that way. But then this guy came, we'll call him Tom. Tom and I began having something somewhat romantic and then ended up sleeping together on the first night we met in person. I was so caught up by him because he is so precious; a beautiful man. The way we started talking was through my facebook stories. I would post something, he'd react and that went on for days until he finally talked to me. His personality was very attractive also, but to be honest... since day one I was looking for other reasons to like him other than the fact that he was handsome. I questioned myself for weeks and still do (because I am still with him). I'll number the things that have made me doubt and you will agree with me if you are a woman: * First lets talk about sex. This is a sensitive subject for me. I am an extremely sexual person, I love to experience new things with sex and truth be told that is something I developed with my ex boyfriend. Tom is... well... if I say early you'll get it?? Before being with him that first night I had just been with one guy (besides my ex). This other guy is a friend whom I had had an affair with a few years back, but that is material for another post. So Tom and I had sex and at first it wasn't so bad, like I thought "maybe his member is not that big but we'll see how he uses it", and he was doing it fine but then after what felt like 10 seconds he came and I... wish I could explain how awful that feels. He didn't even bother to ask me if I was good or at least continue with some teasing... nothing else happened. (You may be wondering at this point why I'm still with him? Well I'm just getting started). * Weeks went by we were still together, we moved out of our friends' and got a room for ourselves. This takes us to point number 2 which is "Lets talk about money": We were broke. I wasnt working enough and wasn't earning enough and he wasn't either. We could barely survive the day. We slept on the floor for 1 whole month. I was enduring... but my patience soon ended. I was so unhappy with the fact that he would sleep until 10 am or 11 am and then figure out how to eat at 3 pm. I WAS SO PISSED. I would tell him he would apologize then do it again. Asshole. O was stuck because I didn't have money, and we had to survive together because it was easier that way. I feel like that is the only thing that keeps me with him, because qe are still struggling. This takes us to point number 3... * Lets talk about cohabitation. His feet smell like he put an onion with cheese and a dead rat in his sock before putting his shoes on. He farts so disgustingly... I can stand a fart, yes, because I also have an asshole and intestines... but you're living with someone else, and you have to respect them and at least uncover your ass from the blanket to fart, bitch. Ugh. Sorry. He blows his nose and his buggers digust me so fucking bad I can't even begin to explain. He eats like an animal, chews like an animal, makes noises like an animal when eating... ugh! And I am one of those people who feel like they could kill someone when they hear chewing. So if you are one also, you'll get me. He leaves his clothes everywhere, he is lazy to keep order. Today I found one of his pants on the bed and guess what?... IT HAD A HUGE STAIN OF SHIT IN IT! JESUS CHRIST AND VIRGIN MARY BOY HOW DISGUSTING DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO HAVE THAT ON! UGH!!!!!! I NEED TO get over this financial situation and leave him before my anxiety makes me collapse. I'll be fine. Wish me luck.

I'll have to start about a year before the actual date, so let's go back to 2019 for a brief moment. I was involved with a guy, younger than me by 4 years (I was 23 at the time and he was 19), and we had been sharing the same home for almost a year. For reasons that are way too extense to explain we both had to leave our home country, he left first then I joined him. The experiences we shared were bittersweet and in time more bitter than sweet. We broke up after our birthday month and I moved out. The aftermath of that relationship had me going to the therapist for some time, until I regained some of my self confidence. Still I was very anxious, I have always been like that. I overthink something as many times as you can possibly imagine and most likely more than that. So yeah... When I started being my better self, I promised to myself I would focus on me and my goals this 2020. But we all know this year is a fucking irony itself, so I ended moving in with friends at the beggining of the pandemic. I was with them for like, 5 months. During that time, I met a boy who was a friend of theirs and that I had already seen before but never spoken to. We started having late night convos and deep talks and all that. I don't know exactly, but I can say right now that maybe I did it because I missed feeling attracted to someone. I mean, since my break up I had just been by myself not really looking for anyone and I thought I'd stay that way. But then this guy came, we'll call him Tom. Tom and I began having something somewhat romantic and then ended up sleeping together on the first night we met in person. I was so caught up by him because he is so precious; a beautiful man. The way we started talking was through my facebook stories. I would post something, he'd react and that went on for days until he finally talked to me. His personality was very attractive also, but to be honest... since day one I was looking for other reasons to like him other than the fact that he was handsome. I questioned myself for weeks and still do (because I am still with him). I'll number the things that have made me doubt and you will agree with me if you are a woman: * First lets talk about sex. This is a sensitive subject for me. I am an extremely sexual person, I love to experience new things with sex and truth be told that is something I developed with my ex boyfriend. Tom is... well... if I say early you'll get it?? Before being with him that first night I had just been with one guy (besides my ex). This other guy is a friend whom I had had an affair with a few years back, but that is material for another post. So Tom and I had sex and at first it wasn't so bad, like I thought "maybe his member is not that big but we'll see how he uses it", and he was doing it fine but then after what felt like 10 seconds he came and I... wish I could explain how awful that feels. He didn't even bother to ask me if I was good or at least continue with some teasing... nothing else happened. (You may be wondering at this point why I'm still with him? Well I'm just getting started). * Weeks went by we were still together, we moved out of our friends' and got a room for ourselves. This takes us to point number 2 which is "Lets talk about money":We were broke. I wasnt working enough and wasn't earning enough and he wasn't either. We could barely survive the day. We slept on the floor for 1 whole month. I was enduring... but my patience soon ended. I was so unhappy with the fact that he would sleep until 10 am or 11 am and then figure out how to eat at 3 pm. I WAS SO PISSED. I would tell him he would apologize then do it again. Asshole. O was stuck because I didn't have money, and we had to survive together because it was easier that way. I feel like that is the only thing that keeps me with him, because qe are still struggling. This takes us to point number 3...* Lets talk about cohabitation. His feet smell like he put an onion with cheese and a dead rat in his sock before putting his shoes on. He farts so disgustingly... I can stand a fart, yes, because I also have an asshole and intestines... but you're living with someone else, and you have to respect them and at least uncover your ass from the blanket to fart, bitch. Ugh. Sorry.He blows his nose and his buggers digust me so fucking bad I can't even begin to explain. He eats like an animal, chews like an animal, makes noises like an animal when eating... ugh! And I am one of those people who feel like they could kill someone when they hear chewing. So if you are one also, you'll get me. He leaves his clothes everywhere, he is lazy to keep order. Today I found one of his pants on the bed and guess what?... IT HAD A HUGE STAIN OF SHIT IN IT! JESUS CHRIST AND VIRGIN MARY BOY HOW DISGUSTING DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO HAVE THAT ON! UGH!!!!!!I NEED TO get over this financial situation and leave him before my anxiety makes me collapse. I'll be fine. Wish me luck. 