the world wasn't enough
I wanted you to be my everything. i wanted the feelings i had last year to come back even stronger being around you every day. if i didnt mess up that night, maybe we'd be okay. im longing and homesick. i miss everything familar to me even though it made me sick, being deprived of it feels like its almost making me sicker. the way you kiss me i feel like you dont mean it the way you did before. you don't even look at me when we have sex anymore i don't know if you even want me around. the affection has fallen short. i know you need time and i know i fucked up. but honestly i dont see a point in us even trying to work things out if you have to force yourself to try to want to be with me. you dont trust me, i know. not only because you've repeatedly told me but i can feel you looking over my shoulder whenever someone messages me, whenever im on the phone for whatever reason i can feel your eyes. you dont trust me when im home alone even though i have nowhere to go. i just pretty much sit here hopelessly waiting for the day to pass until you get back. i smoke and sleep the day away hating myself more and more. i want everything to be like how it was and i know it'll never go back. i find little things about you that are starting to irritate me. maybe the distance was actually doing us good, giving me time away from you and you time to see if i was worthy. i came down because we painted this picture of happiness. of everything being beautiful and us being happy living in the same place. that i'd get a job here and everything would work out the way we wanted to. everything just feels half empty. and i know its my fault. everything hurts so deeply. turning to drinking to numb the empty. waking up sick only to see things haven't changed for the better.