I'm just so mad, simply put. I have been one of my friends therapist friend for two years, let call him R. I feel so selfish in saying this, but I just feel so used, R is trans, and I do not care about the gender I am perceived as, but he does very much. One night he got mad because I couldn't just magically fix everything, he said "I don't need you anymore, I don't need your help". After two years of my crying and sweating and panicking and even bleeding for him it's just "I don't need you anymore". I have no one except my therapist, whom I only see once a month. Then, a few months later he said that he relapsed in his self harming. Why would he tell me that after saying he doesn't need my help anymore. I just want to know what he wants from me. I can't just sit and listen as he kills himself, I am human too. It's just that he expects so much from me that he forgets that I have needs and feelings too, he forgets that not everyone is exactly like him. I used to be so go at knowing what emotions people were feeling, but because of him I'm always paranoid and I don't trust people when they say they're happy and I can't tell how people are feeling unless they flat out tell me. I hate how he'll tell me something and then when I offer some help he'll say "none of your business." I hate that more than anything else, I hate it so much it makes the muscles around my heart tense and it makes me want to punch something and scream and it makes me want to inflict pain on something, never another human, but something. I'm just so done, I'm so annoyed, I'm so angry and I don't want to be. Sometimes it feels like the people I act as a therapist to are the only people in my life, I have an amazing home life and I have passions and good grades, sure I'm mentally ill, but I have meds and support from adults! Another one of my friends, let's call her J, she acts like it's so weird whenever I ask her if she's okay and then only tells me when she self harms. I wish I had a friend to talk to, I wish people were fair and understood that I am a human too. I worry, I've always worried even without any reason. I just want someone to talk to, someone to turn to, I just want someone to tell me that everything's going to be fine and that I don't owe anyone anything, I wish I had someone who I could trust, who I would actually believe when they say that they won't die because they give me proof. I wish someone would tell me their problems and listen to my advice. I wish someone would tell me what good things happened to them that day. I just wish I had one solid, honest friend.