Hi...I'm 16 and well, in high school. I never really thought much about things. And sometimes I feel as though my life is slowly coming apart. I know that there's many people in this site that's probably older or have bigger problem than I do. But I figure that, if I want to fix my life today, then I have to at least know what is wrong with me. Vent it out and hopefully, I'll get better.I'm 16, and for the longest time I had never really thought much about my future. Or, at least, after reflecting for a few days, I kind of figured that I've always planned for the world of "what ifs". All my life, I day dream of different versions of me. I guess I've always knew but refused to accept it anyway.When I first entered high school, I thought that maybe I could finally change myself. I was bullied, but I always think that it's because I was ignorant and always seeks acceptance from other that I ended up, well, bullied. So I changedWhen i entered high school, I thought that I could change myself. That moving to a far away school with no one that I knew of would change me. I became outgoing and stopped seeking acceptance from people I know that I would not get along with. Well, at least I hope I did. But now that I'm in 16, almost in college, I began to think that I may not have been any better.My dreams weren't mine. They're for the imaginary versions of me that had made better choices, that studied harder and much more nonchalant from opinion of others. Someone who's willing to prove her father wrong. That's she's not useless just because she's a girl. That she can be a doctor.But I'm not that...I'm someone who choose to escape reality. I'm someone who had gotten so use to becoming a disappointment that a moment of bliss can make me forget of my hatred. I hated how my brother blamed me when he's troubled, hated how he thinks he's the only one getting hurt. And I hate it more when he found someone that can make him better. I hate that while I was pretending to be okay with these expectations burdening me; while I was crying myself to sleep thinking that he also has it hard. I hated how he blamed but he's gotten his life much more better than I have. But what I hated the most was that my coping mechanism, of which I cry myself to sleep, forgive and live in my day dreams had made me forget all about the terrible things that has been said to me. That I end up being okay when I have yet to hear even a word of "sorry.". And I hated it because it proves that i haven't change. I still need that feel of acceptance. I needed it so bad that the moment he became happy and talk to me about his happy life i become alright.I don't know what I want because it was decided for me since the beginning. I don't have anything I'm good at because they think it's a waste of time for me to do anything other than studying. All my life, my parents decided things for me and when they suddenly tell me, "You can do what you want." I don't know what to do.Not like they have let me decided anything. My mom did (I guess). After finding out that I stopped going to school because it was too overwhelming and it's hard to pretend that it's okay anymore. She said that I can say anything to her like it was safe. but when I did, I was automatically...judged. I wasn't even finish yet, mom. I'm not done talking. I'm not even done yet.In the end I can't say anything.My father. I thought he had changed ever since he fixed his relationship with gramps but he doesn't. He wants me to become a doctor. No other jobs. Okay.I'm going to be a doctor then.I want to be a pediatrician. There won't be much children in the future. He says.Okay, then I love babies, how about obstetrician .Again, there won't be much babies in the future.And although my mother tells him that it doesn't matter.I know for a fact that it is and that I can't really choose what I want.And what's worse was that despite me complaining in this site, I can't really do anything about it.everytime I convince myself that it's okay, I can still do what I want in the future. My bravado would be gone in an instant because he would doubt me. And I would cower, anxious that I will end up having no future.So when things didn't go right as planned. Like when my teacher suddenly changed a deadline of a project and I couldn't finish it on time because it wasn't on my carefully put plan. I would just hide. Anxiously. I would isolate myself from the world and hope that everything will fine till it piles up and I can't do anything with it anymore.I know what's wrong, but I can't do anything about it.Just...there's really just something wrong with me.