These days, it's hard to find words

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I'm not a wise human nor a silly one. I might seem foolish for not being able to find words to speak. For the past few months, I have been feeling alienated. I feel detached from the rest of the world. I feel alone. I am alone. I am far away from everyone. Though I might have many people around me physically, no one is in sight mentally. I am not experienced enough. I am just starting my life. I am scared of what is going to come. It feels like I am somewhere far far away. Far away from this world. Far away from everyone. Sometimes, far away from myself. I would sacrifice anything and everything for my life, even if the cost was - my own life. But I wonder, will my loved ones do the same thing for me? The people I love the most, the ones who I would sacrifice my whole life for are avoiding me. At least that is what I feel like. Nobody is who they seemed to be when I met them. The bond we had is at least 5-9 years but now, I think I wasted my time, life, and love. It is depressing. I don't want to judge people, maybe they are going through something too. I do not wish to judge them by any means. They are my world. For the past few months, people are rude. I try to be kind and ask them what is wrong. They just leave me. Every time they ask me something, there is a sense of disgust on their face. It hurts me. Breaks my heart. I do not say anything back to them because... I can't. I just want to run to the end of the world and scream. I go to my room, cry my eyes out and come out as if nothing ever happened. Typing this makes me cry. I never knew I would face this in the future. I am at a place, where no one is around, no one in sight. I do not have anyone with whom I could share my thoughts are feelings. But I always will never ever let my loved ones down. They were, are, and will be my world. I feel foolish, lost. I would never do the things my loved ones are doing to me. I will never avoid their texts, never mute them, never avoid them as a person. I just want them to know I will be with them no matter what they do to me. But a thought has kept me awake. Am I the problem? Am I the trouble that no one wants in their life? Maybe I shouldn't just exist. Thoughts of ending my life have revolved around my mind longer than they should have. Maybe, everyone will be happy if I go somewhere or not exist? I just want love. At this point that is probably something, I would die for. I feel so lonely. Can someone just take me somewhere far away? Far away where there is what people claim heaven? If you don't want to talk to me, tell me what is wrong. Then you can leave. Don't hurt me slowly. It feels like thousands of knives are stabbing me. Why kill me slowly when you can kill me at once. I am out of words. I just need help. Why do I have to live when no one loves me? Maybe a little bit of kindness? You may not understand what I mean. But thank you. You've come till here. I just want to thank you for reading this. To the person reading this, I want you to know, you are amazing! someone loves you. Just wait, buddy... you will have your time. Here is my virtual hug that will keep you warm and cozy. Thank you for existing. Forever grateful.