I love a guy for almost four years.
I don't consider it as puppy love because it felt raw.. and it hurt, so much.
This love made me feel so many things, made me cry, insecure, happy, embarrassed, confused, and scared. I personally think that this kind of relationship is always doomed to end, not because its lacking of feelings but because we invested to much, it just makes people numb.
Although its been almost two years since we were apart, I can still remember his features, although not unlike before when I can spot him with just a look, I remember that he is a tall man and I always complain because I only reach to his chin, he has this deep dimple that I liked to poke when bored, but weirdly, I cannot remember his scent that I can always smell when he is a meter away.
He's actually not insecure when I met him. I remember him to be brave even if he is a little introverted, cheerful with friends, and confident when asked of his expertise.
But during the later years he gradually change to someone I cannot recognize anymore.
He became quiet, reserved, his smiles always has a touch of hesitation. He won't pull pranks anymore. Will get angry to anyone who approach him when in bad mood.
Later, before I realize it, he was diagnosed with depression.
It hurt and made me insecure. I thought that it is my fault it came to this. If I was more attentive, will our relationship not deteriorate? It also made me feel like I was needed and not loved to the point that I questioned myself many times if I can really help him to get back up. On the times when I cannot recognize the guy I love for many ears, I will say indifferent words that I know hurt him. They say its hard to love a broken guy because it will make you question yourself, and in my experience, I just realized that I was not that caring I claimed to be.
I'm just a horrible person.