It's going to be a whole year soon since my stupid attempt to kill myself. I tried overdosing on caffeine, but since I'm dumbass and didn't take enough and used be heavy coffee drinker, I managed to convince everyone it was just an accident. So my whole recovery was merely physical, and honestly I kind of never got over it. To this day the realization that I could very well died then freaks me out a lot. The fact that I haven't and can't confess it to anyone really isn't helping. It's an ugly secret that I crave to share, but at the same time I'm terrified of the idea of ever revealing to anyone just how fucked up in the brain I managed to be because I know they won't ever look at me the same way afterwards. I worked on myself a lot since the incident, but the thoughts remain. There's still the part of my mind telling me everything would be better if I just ended it now, sometimes temping me to slit my wrists when cooking or jump in front of a train when I'm at the subway station. Right now I can shut them off without much problem, reminding myself how much I regretted taking the pills at the time I thought were my last hours, but they are becoming more and more frequent and my defences against them less effective.I'm starting to notice that I'm adopting the same habits and ways of thinking like I did a year ago. It's incomparably milder, then I used to struggle with self-harm on daily basis and had weeks or even months when I just couldn't manage to really do anything and now it's just thoughts and worse productivity, but it's still happening. It terrifies me that I'm heading back in the same direction, even if it's at a slow pace.Right now I can still fight it, I'm still doing okay, there are still things making me happy and days that are legitimately good and not just "not horrible". But what if I get worse again? What if the single bad days when I struggle to do anything become months again and I will be weak again? The thoughts about killing myself are still somewhere in my brain, the scars on my body will always out me to others as someone that seek comfort in self-harm. I may have managed to heal to some degree and move on, but even if I don't feel like the person anymore, I'm still someone who attempted suicide a year ago. The self-destructive thinking, the self-hating resignation and urges to harm myself are still there, coded deeply into my brain, and no matter how deep I try to bury them they can still rise up to the surface at any time.And I'm terrified that when inevitably something goes wrong, things will be for some time bad again and I won't be able to stay strong anymore, I will again plot my next suicide attempt. And I don't trust myself enough to be sure that I won't try to go through with it once more, even though I now know how terrible idea it is.