I just feel like there´s nothing left for me to do.
Been battling with the idea of killing myself since i was 14. I´m 21 now and i can´t find reasons not to do it. The only thing that keeps me up is that i know that i will make everyone close unhappy if i die. But i feel like that´s no life. I can´t find anything to live for. I´m not a good person, not a good professional, depression is hard to handle to me and i can´t keep up the good work if my head screams that i can´t do this anymore. Maybe if i was more intelligent i could overcome it. But i´ve tried enough and i can´t get out of this. I´m tired of trying. I don´t feel passion anymore. I just want to go. Please let me go.
I feel like i could make more of a positive change in the world if i died. I mean. i could donate my money, and i feel like it´s less probable that some corrupt person would take it if it comes from a dead person. I could write messages to the people that i admire, and maybe they would notice me if they know im dead.
Maybe i could even help my friends and family giving them my stuff. Maybe the oportunities that i got that don´t even make me happy anymore would end up being taken by someone who´s life would improve.
I´m just a sick person. I really getting less and less reasons to stay here anyway. Please, please i beg to anyone reading this. Give me the strength to end me because i cant find any reason to continue. I just wanna go. I want to start over. Or not, if there´s nothing else on the other side. Just give my chances to anyone else.
Anyone deserves them more than i do. Please, please, just tell me it´s okay. Tell me i dont have to fight with these feelings anymore. I can´t find reasons to do it anymore. I´ve attached myself to my ambition, but even that does not give me strength to live.
I can´t even get myself to connect with my friends and family anymore. I keep dissociating, i find talking to them very grey. And i see them happy and it breaks my heart that i can´t even pretend to be connected anymore. I´ve been avoiding my boyfriend because i feel like i can´t keep up with conversations anymore. I´ve been taking my pills but that does not do the trick...
I get annoyed at people sometimes, and i don´t want to generate more bad emotions in the world.
I don´t know if i can´t do this, actually. Because i can stay as the zombie i am everyday.
But i do know i don´t want to do this. I´m tired. I´m sick of it. I just wanna go.