i need sleep. These are private. My innermost pain. Hope you don’t mind baby. I’m trying to help other children in pain. Hey sweetie. I know your in Heaven. Your siblings asked for help. One was crying. I went even though I barely made it there & back. Could only stay briefly. One of your brothers is so big he scares adults at 13. I saw a cop jump back from him one day. Didn’t expect a kid that big in school I guess. But as you know he’s gentle. Kind. I think they really pushed him out of school for protecting other kids & making the teachers look bad. Poor baby. He was going to be a sports star. I can’t afford private school that has that level of sports. Lost so much. All goes back to your mom divorcing me. She’s sick baby. She couldn’t walk to door. Breaks my heart. I gave the last $ I had for experimental treatment. If that doesn’t work please comfort your mom. I can’t keep crying for her. I’m next man up. And I’m dying it seems. I will fight with all I have. Your other brother breaks my heart. He can’t walk right since the seizures started. If the courts had given him to me. But men are meaningless unless the moms bad. Your mom is kind; just sick. How will he survive? Your sister is shouldering the load. Not fair. I take my body down there & do what I can. She set & laughed with me today. 3 of the 4 amigos back together telling jokes. I think your mom lived in an illusion that the kids needed the sweet parent. Not the coach. Yes I rode their butts in sports. But they picked the sports. They knew the deal. But I also played games with them. We sang & danced. There was more to me than the stuff said in the divorce. I was thrown under a bus. Then a steam roller ran over me. Then somebody kicked me in the face. Thing is. Even her own lawyer laughed at her. Cried for me. Kept calling me. Said she’s never seen two people so in love. Can’t figure it out. I told her to give up. Your grandma controls her. Your grandma tracked me down today. I was teach em how to make clearance paint look like a pro did it. They were impressed & laughed. I made cheap plastic look like cool wood. I have lots of tricks. Well baby I gotta try to sleep. Haven’t slept in days since your brother cried. He wants to live with me. I have no home. I secretly help their mom keep their house. That leaves me nothing. As it is I can barely afford to live anyways. I’m a warrior baby. But I finally got backed in a corner I can’t fight out of. Remember when those older gang bangers attacked me? I’m still here. Attacked for saving an old black homeless man. It’s a cruel world. But also wonderful. We make it wonderful. Because we choose to love. We must live to love others. Night baby. Dada loves you. I’ll be in Heaven eventually. But dada doesn’t go down easy. I know time is different there. Your happy. You want me to fight. I’m sorry you didn’t get a longer life here little man. I’d held your hand & gave you lots of hugs. I’m going to hug you like a bear one day. But I can’t leave here. People need me. Tell God if he wants me He will have to come get me. Cause I’m still not at a point where I’ll quit. Love you.