TWs: Abuse, suicide, overdose, anxiety, depression, self harmI wish I started popping pills earlier or wish I overdosed before I asked for a dog. A part of me is excited, a sensation I don’t get often, while another part of me sees it as a pity. We’re getting my first puppy the week of Thanksgiving. He was born just a few days ago.I don’t have the heart to tell my parents that the reason why I wanted to get a pet was because I thought that if I didn’t get an anchor soon enough, I was gonna kill myself. We have various pill bottles, and I don’t know the amounts of damage, but I’ve been wanting to down them all and end it for the past few months. I’ve been heavily depressed for the past ~5 years and with my next year of high school, I feel my social anxiety and anxiety working up.I get to see a therapist for the first time in ages in the next week. I feel... guilty for asking for help. I always feel like I don’t deserve love or help because of my past relationship. I still have to see them every once in a while because our families are close, but they used me in the past. So many nights were spent with them yelling at me and telling me that their problems mattered much more than what I was going through. And I believed them because they had a longer history of abuse. But now I can barely form relationships with other people because I feel like I’m supposed to be helping them or doing something for them.All in all, I still really want to die. Part of me thinks that I won’t make it past this month— thinks I’m going to commit suicide to get rid of this pain. I’ve been hitting myself over the head over and over, I just want to leave more to get these thoughts out. I keep hitting my head and I want to throw myself down the stairs so someone would actually give a damn. I want this pain to go away. I’m just so tired of feeling worthless, ignored, and hurt. I just want to live, I just want to feel. I just want to be something to someone.I have nobody. Those close to me say that I can tell them anything, but the moment I open up, they start to ignore me. They replace my emotions with theirs and start talking about their own emotions, their own situations. Nobody will listen to me, nobody will care about me, nobody’s there. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me things will be okay. I’m so alone.But I’m not worth the time or energy anyway. What would they want with a fatass like me? I’m so worthless, I’m bad at socializing, and I’m ugly. I’m not even worth others time.I’m so tired. I just want this night to disappear, I wish none of this would have happened. Maybe then I’d actually be happy. I hope those days come eventually.On the bright side, if I do live, I’ll get to see my family’s future puppy. If I live past this year, I get to raise him to be happy, hopefully. I can walk him and make him happy. I can play with someone who loves me unconditionally. That’s all I can hope for now.