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Thoughts can be overwhelming

I’ve had a lot of time to think. Maybe too much time. And that’s probably my own fault but I cant seem to manifest for myself the things I dream about. I often find myself thinking about the people I miss and what I miss about them. I also think about how I created versions of those people in my head that weren't even close to how they were in real life. Sometimes I wonder if i'll ever grow enough to realize what is good for me and not to miss the people who were so awful to me. I continue to miss the good memories, and even the fake ones I've made up in my head. I sit there and dream to myself that maybe one day they will come around so I keep a good image of them in my head in case they do. It's so time consuming and draining to constantly be thinking about the ones who have hurt you the most. I'm so tired of being the worst person for myself. I know that's why I get treated the way that I do. I have to give off the energy to the outside world for what i feel for myself on the inside. Maybe one day I will grow. Maybe one day I will manifest all of my fantasies and have a happy life. But for now I continue to drain myself with my overwhelming and time consuming thoughts.