I just recently turned 16 and I still can not wrap my head around it. I feel like mentally I am still 14. Sixteen seems like such a milestone and way too near of being a legal adult. I feel like by this time I should have achieved something better or done something significant.
Everyone constantly talks about how smart I am and how I should not be worried about my future. But it just feels like I have everyone believing something I am not. I cannot concentrate in my online classes, everything seems to go straight out of my head and I can't remember what I learned merely a week ago, on top of that I can't physically make myself to actually study. Everyone expects me to pass my exams on top of my class and maybe even change schools to a bigger school in a city. Everyone seems to think I will have a bright future.
In the mean time I am feeling like a failure because I cannot choose a career path, nothing is interesting, I don't have any hobbies and in those 16 years I have not managed to find any real friends. I feel so pathetic for not being someone extroverted or someone who doesn't put twice as much pressure on themselves as others do, for not actually being happy and enjoying something. I sometimes find myself thinking about suicide and how much easier it would be without silent tears spilling before going to bed, without feeling unexplainebly lonely and just wishing someone to talk to or hug because you don't remember how many months ago someone hugged you. I just wish I was a different person who didn't always feel like an impostor among other people, who didn't made up rules or standards to fit in and seem normal, who could do something without thinking what others think about them or wasn't afraid to do something bc there is a possibility of embarrassment, who wasn't afraid of not being the best or perfect at at everything they do and making mistakes. I feel like I am being crushed by my own ideal image of myself.
-a sad sixteen year old girl