Thoughts of DadJealous of my dad changing and becoming a better person (if that’s really true)? I’d hate to admit that because that seems selfish and unfair. But I’m watching this show ‘The Good Place’ and the main character says she doesn’t want to believe her mom has changed for her new step daughter. Why? Because if she was always capable of change, then that means she wasn’t worth changing for. And that line stung. It hit home. And I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. Yes I always say ‘well if it’s real this time, then good for him. He has kids much younger kids than me who deserve it, maybe he will be better for them.” But jealous? I’ve never labeled my disbelief for his change as jealousy, but it makes sense. So many times I tried to impress him, show him what I’d done and for what? To get my heart broken by the very man who CREATED me. Created me and disappointed me since. And the thought that I, ME, I wasn’t worth him changing. That’s a new one, but I feel it. It’s in my bones. I always wondered if maybe one of his ‘changes’ would stick. But I honestly never really believed that it could truly and wholey happen. It hasn’t thus far, why would it now? But what if I wasn’t worth changing for? And yes I feel that, in a sense, as though the very essence of me, my hard work and my individuality wasn’t enough for him. But what if it was because I was his first child, the first ‘accident’, well it was okay to disappoint me. I was a sort of trial run, parents always mess up on the first one right? Maybe that’s what he chalked it up to. Not that my very being wasn’t enough for change, but that his inexperience at the time and newness to this life of parenthood just wasn’t enough to push him towards change. Like everything else, when we cling to things that aren’t good for us. We push the boundaries because we want to keep that good feeling but-not-so-good-for-our-well-being thing in our lives. Because let’s face it, the feeling seems worth more than ‘being better’ down the line. Maybe it’ll work out somehow. But no, it didn’t work out somehow. I live this day with barely a resemblance of a relationship with my birth father. Because I wasn’t worth the change, his situation at the time wasn’t worth the change. ‘Change will happen down the road’, I’m sure he thought, if he recognized that a change was needed at all. But the change never came; his actions became a habit. So, will he ever change or will he continue? He seems to be happy, being out of jail for less than 3 months. But where’s the long term change? The going to rehab that I’ve heard time and time again? Finding God again? Maybe it will never come, maybe we (his kids) will never be enough. Maybe that’s why he continues to have more, hoping one will be enough to cause a shift in his life. But the truth is, it’s not up to us, his SIX legacies. We are as perfect as God could make us. But if we don’t ‘feel better’ to him than the life he’s always lived, the change may never come.