As i sit here in a drunken pit of self loathing i masterbate to a life that isnt mine. I try to draw comfort in the fact that in a parallel universe things are different and a version of me is living those dreams or one is living part of it and another is living another part and one of me is happy but with my luck, even with infinite universes, im the same in all of them. So many thoughts i cant even get them all out but most of them revovle around things that bother me and i cant get in there anything that makes me happy. I know what i would have liked to make me happy and thats a fork in the road that i really hope one of me went down cause when i found out what i missed and what i could have had i havent stopped thinking about it for over 10 years i think about it everyday multiple times a day stupid things remind me of it i play out scenarios in my head that will never happen and these are the toughts that consume my day instead of what i should be focused on and that is me in this universe but i tell myself everything i think up is happeneing in a parallel universe cause what ever could happen does happpen these things are not out of the realm of possibility like being spiderman or something like that these are reall scenarios based on facts i know and what i would do in the situation but cant cause its all in my head and thats what everyone tells me its all in your head well where the fuck else would it be if im the one making it up what else is there besides whats in my head its what defines me and makes me who i am i love and hate my mind its like left and right fighting each other and neither wins like the guy on star trek who was half whit and half black and fought himself and lost to captain kirk cause he was to busy fighting himself those thoughts about that fork are just something that make me sad that it didnt happen and i wish i could make it happen then there are thoughts that make me angry and really get me going and these would have me in prison if i go through with these thoughts these toughts i can make happen 1000% and fight myself not to make happen and i might lose that fight one day cause its easier to lose it it than to win it but ill keep fighting for now cause im not drunk enough yet to not give a fuck about prison which brings me to the next thoughts in there i dont give a fuck about anything and i dont understand that cause i think i do but in reality i dont give a fuck about anything or anybody but myself and anything someone says to me my first thought is i dont give a fuck and then ill say something that doesnt matter cause i dont give a fuck and ill leave a trail of i dont give a fuck behind me cause i dont give a fuck now lets get some shit going i have the means to make a dream come true and go to prison cause of it but who gives a fuck ill just go and get a gun right now and one bullet and take care of it reall clean and simple and i wish alcohol wasnt my drug of doing stupid wish it was meth or coke but you cant get that on every cornor so those seem to be out but i wonder if they would have this alcohol affect on me and take away all inhibitions like this back to another thought of what could have been it was like a square peg fitting in a square hole ive never seen a more perfect fit in my life like better than an fit nature could ever come up with and i still dont understand how someone could get things and i cant even get this one thing that seems way more simpler and easier to aquire than what they can get and what they are getting puts them in jail and what i want is completely legal but people say im a sick individual and if really spoke my mind even 1% of the time i wanted to people would really think im sick so the one thing im proud of is my quick wit to come up with 2 things to say and say the right one and keep the other inside like i said left and right fighting each other so they both hit me with a response and i blurt out the "right" one and wonder what would happen if i said the other i really dont know whuch side is saying what cause i cant tell but im just using right vs left as an analogy and cant say its the right side of my brain or the left just my brain and dont understand it as its pumped with useless information and have to sort out the bullshit and see the truth that i cant understand why noone else sees it and continues to believe lies that are so obvious and all i think about two things that consume all my thoughts and now i masterbate 5 times a day to no avil of any relief from the thoughts but is till do it and dont do would i should be doing till im in a pinch and have to figure a way out and thats what i do best is figure out solutions to problems and i do it very well and i think thats back to left vs right and come up with all the different ways it can go and what could be wrong and fix it i was so good at it i was the best everywhere i went and still couldnt make it work to my advantage and just fell off the top of my game and now need to figure this problem out but wont till im in a pinch and could get away with both thoughts that consume me and make it work its just a problem to be solved right i just have to figure out the solution and i know it will just role out as it goes and ill have to dodge the bullets as they come but its all doable but i see this playing out like this i get something as a replacement and work it good but then i will be faced with a choice when the time comes but the time may not come till its to late but if it does come do i donwhat i want to get what i want cause its always fuck everyone else and ill do it for me and was it payback cause i felt wronged for something that wasnt anyones fault but my own and still wanted something else while pretending to want what i had and the whole time i knew i was gonna be a scumbag in the end and i still did it anyway but back to me cause thats what its all about fuck anyone else so i really think i can make this happen and work it good evn tho something else is coming in hot and im even moving to fast in my head and have the whole thing worked out but maybe thats how it works i work it out in my head and make it go that way subconsciously and work out the problem and solve it cause thats what i love to do or was the whole thing in my head and never happened but that cant be cause ive never had delusions that appeared to me just in my head and i know the difference and always have but maybe i reached into one of thos parallel universes and seen what could happen or should have i done things differently and got the one shot off and been fine with not having it forever or again but i dont think it would have been the case i would have been just as bad now if it went down the same way no matter what happened that day but i had the worst possible outcome as always and still went the same path no matter the outcome the path would have been the same and might have been worse in my mind but here i am still a self loathing piece of shit that doesnt care about anyone or anything not even himself enough to do anything to solve the biggest problem of all himself but i guess thats the whole problem i kill myself slowly cause im too afraid to do it fast or i like the punishment and just want it to keep coming but what if