Hey, I’m tired, depressed, low and I want to give up... badly. I just can’t hold on. Im really tired mentally. I’ve been good, never hurt anyone intentionally, been sweet to everyone. I never want to contribute to any trouble in anyone’s life. But I don’t know why I’m the one that has to face so much pain or am I too sensitive? I’m sure none of “my friends” mom would call them a ‘rand’, do I actually deserve this word? Am I a prostitute? She gives me so much pain with her words. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times because of that.
I’ve always wanted to pursue Arts or BBA, because Im good at it and it makes me happy. How can one rate a career? How can they tell that Arts isn’t good or BBA isn’t? Well this choice was taken away from me. I wanted to get into MCC for arts or Acharya for BBA but that choice was taken away. I was taken to counselling to two different education expo to help change my mind. My parents told me I’d never become anything in life with an Arts degree that you’d have to be the best to survive. So, it means that I can’t be the best? I was dragged from one engineering college to another to look at it. I wasn’t allowed to fill an application form for MCC. I was torn apart and forced to take up engineering even tho I hated math, hated coding and hated solving circuits. Seeing how much it meant to my parents I agreed to take it up in the end. I agreed to suffer for four years for them. Just for them to be happy. I didn’t even complain no matter how it hurt me or how much I struggled.
But I can’t do it anymore...Im really trying hard but its hard. Im broken and I have no one to help me. I’m tired. I just can’t do it with all the taunts, my sensitivity, my loneliness and lack of will to live anymore..I don’t have any reason to still keep me going.
I’ve cried a million times, cut myself a hundred times and I’ve tried to suicide. Its my last call for help.