I suppose I feel a bit better. I didn’t get the anger out but I was able to calm myself down. I’m still frustrated every time I think about it. It’s this small thing but it made me so frustrated. It so stupid, as that happened is that I can’t find my pencil case. I know right? I wish I didn’t care as much but it made me so fucking angry I don’t even know why. I feel a bit better but I figured maybe writing about it would help me so that’s why I’m here.
Does the feeling of being an angst-filled teen ever stop? I’m 18, so maybe I’m just young and this is just weird teenager shit. I don’t know. It’s scary to think that in the future, when I’m an adult I would still be this frustrated, angry, and in a way lonely. I wish there was a way for me to be better. I am so angry at myself and the world. I wish I wasn’t. I wish that someday I can wake up and just be really happy and for it to last longer than a day.
I hope someday I can look back and be happy for myself for how far I’ve come. I can’t help but notice that despite being sort of happier I am still that frustrated 14 year old crying in the bathroom stall because of something small, and frustrating happening and it feeling like the world was crashing down on me
I wish I could rationalize my breakdowns, that somehow there was an explanation as to why I feel both dead and frustrated at being alive. I am angry almost always at myself for being so bad at everything. I am angry that I’m so mediocre. I will never be the smartest, most attractive, kindest or most hardworking person in any room. I can’t be someone that I can truthfully admire.
I try to be good, god knows I try. Well actually, no he doesn’t… Maybe mom knows maybe she knows that I’m trying my best but my best is mediocre.