I really shouldn't have become a mother. I'm just terrible at it and I'm not the kind of person who can handle it. I have depression, anxiety, anger, and soooo much mentally that is hard to deal with most days. I have two under 3, my 2 year old has insomnia. I have spent a year and a half sleeping about 1-4 hours a night and still having to function and be a decent person and get so much done it feels like. And I don't get a break and I'm just stuck because I love them, but I mentally just can't. I interact and play with them as much as I can, but on my crappier days I just do the basic needs and really try to disassociate on my phone. I don't get to go out places often, even before the pandemic, and every single day feels like there's SOMETHING.
Today, my toddler apparently dropped a plastic item in my oven at some point while I had my hands full, didn't see anything when I opened the oven so I preheated it to start lunch. I open it when the chemical smell starts wafting out and a nice puddle of melted plastic. After we managed to scribble on walls, or my clumsiness ends in me spilling sippy cups of milk on me, the floor, etc. It's just always something and it's always back to back and I feel so fucking defeated every day. The house NEVER stays clean for more than a couple hours, if I'm not chasing the 2yo it's the 1yo, or I'm trying to sit down and calm myself because I'm overstressed and overstimulated, or I'm depressed and just hit the point of shutting down completely.
I never feel like being playful anymore, and so my husband is annoyed with me. But I'm dealing with having to be "playful" (i.e. I have kids poking, prodding, kicking, punching, jumping, and falling on me basically 24/7) after doing it All Day, I don't always WANT to have an adult do the same thing on my down time. Sometimes I just need someone to do...not that. But then he thinks I just don't like him because I'm not like I was before having kids. And we don't see eye to eye about other random things too. That normally wouldn't be a huge issue, but when it's combined with everything else I just don't feel like bothering. I just shut down because I'm fried mentally.
I don't feel like it's possible to make him happy, the babies happy, and maintain my own sanity. I don't even know if I have sanity to maintain. I am formally diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ptsd; but undiagnosed for schizophrenia, because I don't want to be on anti-psychotics because I really can't handle something possibly negatively affecting my depression any more in my current state. I already want to kill myself constantly because I don't feel like I can keep up, I don't feel like I do anything right by anyone and I'm just tired. And I've been trying to be better about these things but it's like nothing I do sticks. Nothing ever sticks. I just want to be happy but it's like I can't just BE happy. I don't want to be mad or depressed or not there enough for people. But I feel like I'm incapable of fixing anything. Even when someone tries to help it's just not enough, like I can't keep up with anything ever recently and so it's like, why bother?
As for the schizophrenia, the worse my anxiety gets, the worse that gets. And it's been peaking off and on. I actually get visual hallucinations as well as audio. And sometimes, if it gets to be at it's worse, I get physical sensations like pressure. It's like they come to life more. I'm about myself mentally enough to know they aren't there. I know it. And so I can hide it usually. But when it peaks it can be difficult. Sometimes it keeps me up even.. but I am not mentally okay enough to take meds because I'm worried I might snap and purposely overdose. Because that's something I had to stop taking depressive medications for. I got so depressed I needed pills to be "happy" that the concept of taking them made me more suicidal before they even had a chance to work. And I wanted to just..down the whole bottle.
I tried explaining this to my husband. Long story short, he has his own issues and I think it's hard for him to really understand mine even if he wants too. Basically he's tired of me being miserable all the time. Which is understandable because it's exhausting to deal with, I for one hate myself. I hate complaining so much. The sound of my voice disgusts me and while I want to flip out sometimes I instead shut down because I truely just hate always having something to complain about. I wish I had just ONE good week. A week where a ton of shit didn't feel overbearing, overwhelming, or unfulfilling. But that won't happen. I'm tired of being a downer. I just want to be..done.