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suicidal thoughts
depression suicide

Tired, LOL.

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For the past several months - I've been severely depressed. I recently found this person via mutuals [family connections] and immediately trauma bonded with him. He's so perfect to me. I know that I've been taking this really fast and every tiny glint of rejection sends me spiraling due to lack of contact anywhere else.

Every moment without him is when all of the suicidal thoughts and self doubt floods in - telling me I'm worthless, that he doesn't love me, that I'll be forever lonely and that one day, he's going to get fed up and tell me off for clinging to him when perhaps I shouldn't. I've pushed myself away from him a few times now due to these small episodes, but they don't last very long unless I'm without him for days.

To be honest, I don't trust myself anymore. With or without him. I feel bad for relying on him so much when he doesn't even know it. It is exhausting to feel like such a codependent freak at all times of the day just because your self esteem is so low. Physical touch is the only thing that makes me feel safe now.

I'll be honest. I don't know what to do. I've wanted to kill myself for so long that I've made hundreds of plans by now, but I know I couldn't do that to him or to my parents. That's the only real reason why I'm here. Too much time spent substituting fake feelings with impulse buys and relationships just so I can feel alive. I'm tired, lol.

Well, that's all. I'm sorry you had to be apart of my pity party.

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