Time Spent- 25m
14 Visitors

Tired of fighting

I feel like I sinned, but I got into a huge blow out with someone and both lied and said awful things to hurt them bc they hurt me. I feel absolutely vile about being vile considering the exchange came as a result of this person mistreating me. That’s no excuse for my behavior though, I should have never even engaged the second I knew he didn’t have my best interest but I did and wound up both behaving in a way that disgusts me but didn’t deserve the attention. Now I’m feeding into a narrative about myself that I’ve done so much to work through but when I have slips it feels like it’s all over and absolutely awful. More importantly I’m tired of fighting for people’s love then being upset they don’t love me like I love them and I lose my manners. I’m tired of thinking that just because these people didn’t see me how I saw them that my behavior is okay - anyway, I from my perspective it’s almost like I tried my best to earn love and I need to love myself like I love some people. I’m drained, I’ve made a reputation for myself by reacting to the behavior of folks who don’t know 10% of the life long abuse I endured. But I digress, my abuse does not make my responses to triggers okay and I’m truly disgusted with myself for it