my throat hurts as if it's trying to block something. i feel more and more useless and stupid every day that passes. the pain spreads to the back of my jaw and my upper mouth. it's hard to swallow from how blocked it feels. i keep making mistakes and not trying to find all the information i need because i kind of gave up on having a proper life where i feel in control of anything. there is burning now behind my eyes as i'm writing this. im just... i just want to sleep and never wake up. that way i won't need to feel. i won't be a disappointment or a burden. i don't know how to just... do things. i don't know how to not be a stupid f*kup and a mess and just... i can't do anything right. i don't have a passion for anything. my chest hurts. my body aches. and i just want everything to just be quiet. i just want to stop existing for a little while. i know i need to fix my mistakes or to do things to make stuff happen in my life. but i'm tired. i'm so freaking tired. and no matter how much i sleep or how little i sleep, it doesn't change the bone-deep tiredness i feel. on good days i can laugh, on bad days i shake and shake and shake and i can't breathe and i can't function and i just want someone to do things for me. just until i can find a reason to keep walking. find a reason to finally take myself in both hands and do something. it's so hard for me to push myself out of bed. it's so hard for me to take care of my basic needs. it's hard to push through the pain to keep breathing. and i'm tired. but i can't just lay down on the side of the road and cease to exist. i have responsibilities and i have studies. i hate being an adult. i hate that i can't seem to be able to ignore reality and just sleep.
i'm so f*ing tired