Here I am, a f*ckboy who felt every emotion, yet still hurt the ones I loved the most. Here’s something I feel no one really have the courage to talk about. I have anxiety and OCD. What this means is that the more important something is in my life, the longer it takes for me to deal with it, let alone emotionally invest in it. I do this not because I don’t care, it’s because I have an irrational fear of failure, and the OCD only makes it worse. The only two relationships I have ever been in, I swore to myself I was going to give it my all. Both of them failed. And it was all my fault. I always get too close, and my anxiety kicks in. I distance myself away, and end up sending mixed messages that hurt my partner’s feelings. From an outsider’s perspective, I look like the fuckboy who toyed with my exes feelings and left without regret. I don’t disagree, and somehow, I want to be seen as such.... because I know deep down I deserve all the hate and only through punishing myself can I feel justice. What people don’t usually know is how much I am hurting on the inside as I fail again and again to ask for a second chance. From my experience, my partners gave up on me before I did. I do not blame them. I mean... how can I? My problems aren’t theirs to solve, and while it would be nice to find someone who would fight for me till the very end, I am more and more convinced that I’m always too late. Does anyone understand that feeling? Knowing you could have had a happy relationship had you not given in to your fears and anxieties? Feeling the weight of regret and betrayal. Betrayed.. by who? I can’t even pin anything on anyone besides myself. Endless nights of trying to reason out that what’s done is done, and I should simply move on. But the truth is, I want to feel hurt, and I want to regret. I want to see my ex with another, and absorb all of the ache in my heart, so that I can remind myself that I do feel it. I do feel emotions and I do care despite what everyone else says. I think about what I would like to happen sometimes. There are times where I wish I could put on my mask of a fuckboy and absolutely ruin my ex’s new relationship. Destroy and hurt my ex’s new partner’s feelings. Make them feel the pain I felt when I still wanted to be friends, just to have my ex ghost me and tell me her new partner doesn’t feel comfortable with me talking to her. Make them feel the pain I felt when the end of my relationship also took away the person who knew me the best just to satisfy that new person’s insecurity. I would never do any of those things. I would rather prove myself to be better than people’s impression of me... even when there is no one left to be proven wrong.Is this all there is to love? The second it is over, everyone leaves. Feelings don’t matter anymore, and you become a stranger again. It sounds normal, but if you’ve ever experienced it, it makes you want to end it all. These are the constant battles in my head. I can’t seem to shake them, and sometimes I need to feel them. It is a disease, and I don’t know what to do but just to write about it.