I wish I could disappear. I wish I could erase my life. If I didn’t have family around I’d have taken care of it long ago.
There are good people who have died that would have appreciated the life that is being wasted on me. Why couldn’t they get all these years instead?
I often wonder how long I can hang on before I can’t anymore. I don’t know the answer but everyday is exhausting and I’m so very tired. It’s been decades and I’m still here. My only solace is knowing that one day this WILL end, as it does for everyone. If only there was a fast forward button. I am happy to fade into the shadows and have the world forget who I was and that I was ever here.
To the family that loves me... I don’t understand why you do and I’m sorry for wasting your time. I know that I don’t do enough for you and I make things harder. I wish I was a happier person and my brain didn’t work this way. But I am broken and it’s unlikely I can ever be repaired. After this many years I don’t think it is possible anymore. I do not belong here, but I do love you. What else can I say? There is much to say yet there is nothing. I want to explain my mind. I want you to understand but I don’t want to complain or make excuses. It’s not your fault I’m this way, it’s mine. I take full responsibility for my sadness and yours and I’m sorry if I have ever caused those feelings in you.
I wish I could say that things will be alright but people shouldn’t make promises they can’t keep. So I stay silent and quietly hope that one day this will all just end and we can all be at peace.