I was hoping I would have had the opportunity to share some of these with you had we maintained contact. I’ve also tried to forget but here we are, 8 months later and still feeling alot of hurt. So I decided maybe I should just share them with you....That night: I got defensive. My ego was hurt and I felt rejected and that you didn’t want me or wasnt attracted to me and it reminded me of that morning that led to our first serious talk. I was hurt and decided since you hurt me, I would return the favor. I don’t know why I didn’t just admit it then. I thought it would just be a small fight but that backfired on me horribly. It was very childish of me and I’m sorry it happened.I was blunt with a lot of things that I said to you and in my twisted brain thought, “well If I can take others being blunt to me, he should be able to as well”. Through talking with someone I realize that for my own defense, I became desensitized to certain emotions and didn’t realize the full impact of what I was causing and how I made others feel. It took losing/hurting someone I really really cared about to understand that. You said something that keeps replaying over and over in my head: you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I kept thinking back through our time together and analyzing literally everything and though at the time I didn’t see or understand how, I get it now. I’m not even going to make any excuses for it but I swear on my life I never wanted or meant for you to ever feel that way. I thought saying things would help motivate you because I know you wanted that in your partner. But my delivery was shit. You know who you are and what you bring to the table and how valuable that is. I just wish I understood that valuable sooner.Which brings me to my last thing....I want to admit that I struggle with accepting love as is. What I mean by that is, when we got together I was super excited and really happy. I saw the person I JUST knew was going to be my forever and I started falling.... once we officially started dating a familiar fear sets in. For me that means I start to question everything. “Is he the one, are we going to work, will he be happy, will we still be in love in a few years” just constant panic all the time. It has happened in all my relationships and I really struggle with calming that anxiety. I had planned to share it with you to calm my nerves and I knew we had a talk scheduled but in that moment after feeling rejected, that was not the best time to tell you because instead of saying I’m experiencing anxiety— I was having second thoughts came out of my mouth. it came off much angrier and malicious than I originally intended. I wanted to communicate the constant anxiety I was feeling and that I feared breaking up but..... you know the rest. And when I tried to explain, understandable you were just so upset nothing I said landed... probably how nothing I’m saying now will land but I just hope that takes away doubt of not wanting you because I did. I think hurting months after we ended can attest to that. If I didn’t, there would have been no anxiety because I wouldn’t have cared. I know none of this matters anymore but I think sharing might help clarify questions if you have them.. idk hopefully it will help me let go. Even this is the most hurt I’ve felt in years, its taught me a lot. P.s. I know you think ppl rarely change but I think if motivated ppl want to become better version of themselves, they will. That does not mean pretending to be something they’re not.