I know you will never see this cause there are zero chances of you being in a site like this and in the same current time as I write this. But I have so many things to tell you that I wasn't given the chance . I know we 'finished' very sudden and in a really painful way, for me at least.. you probs thinks I hate you or that I never loved you but I know we said we would have stayed friends after the break-up ..but how could I have stayed when you weren't the same person anymore. You were my one, my childhood and forever crush.. we were best friends then we grew apart and after 3 years there you go...our fate crossed paths again.. And this time you loved me back...this time you fell in love with me too. Remember when you told me? we were at the 'triangle' park, sitting on the memorial statue, and us watching the stars. I remember that night, I don't think I will never forget it. As usual we were messing with each other, you were secretly filming me (which I found out 2 months after lol), and my stomach started hurting cause I was cold ( that was a lie I was always so nervous being around you), so you suggested to get in your arms as it will keep me warm, and one thing led to another, there we were cuddling under the stars, me playing with your fingers as I run mine through yours and suddenly you said it...' i think i am falling in love with you', your heartbeat stronger and faster than ever... It was my happiest time ever... I was in love with the best person ever , my person. Then everything shuttered as you had to leave for studies...the faculty was so strict that they kept your phones for a month until you were sworn...that month I was crying myself every night.. missing you will never be enough to express how badly I wanted to talk to you. I wrote you every day like diary, how my day was, school, family..you, you did read some of them..they were a lot....after getting your phone back our real distant relationship started, it was one of my biggest fears , to love someone who I cannot be with...not to touch them.. see up close their smile, run to their house at 2 am when they tell me they are not okay, have 3 am deep talks while getting ice cream and call it 'adventure' ... It was painful, the most hard thing i had to go through my life ...we used to talk a few hours during the weekend since at the weekday you were in the faculty and you were again didn't allow any phone.. only those 10 mins before showering and bedtime..and i would always insist you calling your family and your parents even tho I was dying to hear you... Christmas break came, you came home, we spent 2 nights together at the hotel where it was my first time lying to my mother about anything ...besides the everyday crying ..and still feel bad to this day..there i realised how changed you came back...and after you going back ..more and more changes.. you stopped wanting to talk even those few hours on the weekend...they barely became mins ...you would say we would talk, i would wait and wait for you only for you to come up with an excuse..every time...and then you hit me with..' i don't have time for you', then another hit ' one day I love you ,one day i don't'. it felt like 2 different people, one day you would call me,telling me how much you have missed and love me , and the one day you were this cold hearted person that didn't even gave a damn about me.... I guess the cold hearted one won.. The day we 'agreed' to the break up I was crying to the bathroom floor, my heart was ripped out, instead of ending me , I cut my hair ,as i thought that with cutting it ,some pain would go away too..but suddenly it didn't go like that.. Then after we were 'friends' , you didn't even talk like you ever loved me , you didn't act that i was once your gf, like i was your homie. you would hate if someone else made me happy or if i would go out with a boy near me, but i had to suck up you going out with 4 girls alone right? You going out with your friends that you once told me that all they talk is sex and treat their girls like rubbish and like objects , had to suck that too right? i had to suck up the fact that from the kindest person you became someone that would ask to hung out cause you had no one else than the guy that you once buried with your words saying that the way he acted was too clingly or needy .... What happened..? how could you change so much ... You need to understand , I had to let go, i had to end the friendship, not only you were unrecognizable to me anymore, but i was becoming unrecognizable to myself too..I had lost me ... You might think it was easy for me not to reply to your messages, but the truth is , every time you texted me i was crying for at least 3 nights and thinking how of awful person i was cause for not responding... The say moving on is easy, not going back is hard. I was leaving in the past, with a version of you that no longer existed...I had to let go.. Now...I am in the same country where you study..different city tho... The first couple weeks my heart was intensively looking for you ,even tho I knew you were in a city long away.. I had to kill the hope inside me , cause it would either kill me.. but what if...what if we were given another chance...? what if..?