does my life matter? We um watched It’s a wonderful life today. Oh, and btw its Christmas so um merry Christmas. Im in my closet in the dark listening to sad music. This is kind of a reoccurring thing here. Probably not a good thing like mentally or whatever but im just feeling sad. I might have my period soon so that could be it but ive been sad a lot recently and for a while so I don’t think that’s it. But anyway we watched it’s a wonderful life and you know if you’ve seen it that this guy wished he had never been born near the end and the angel grants his wish and he ends up seeing what the lives of people around him are like without him there and its kinda sad and depressing and shit but like mom asked if we would want to see what life would be like if we hadn’t been born and sis was like no and papa and I were like yes. Immediately I said yes because I really want to know how much I impact people. Like in my head im pretty sure so many people could live without me ever existing. It makes me sad but I know that me not existing wouldn’t impact much. Like im positive about it. Idk tho. Bruv im so sad rn. Like im really really sad. Like why tf do my parents have to argue and fight so much and why does mom have to be so nosy like but tf out of my business. Its none of urs woman. Anyway. Um. Idk. I um didn’t exactly do the journal thing but I actually might consider it. GOD. Omg why am I SAD?! Like why????? I wanna be freaking happy! I got really great gifts and I was so excited and happy earlier. Sis and I will get to go on a shopping trip together and ill get to buy some records vinals and play them on my turntable and listen to music. Bruv idk whats wrong. Im so sad rn. Like im sitting in my closet crying writing this and listening to sad music . like that’s so f-ing messed up. also why do I write this shit from my head every time im sad. Like I need to sit down one day when I have a happy day and write something good for ya. Oh. Um so on Christmas eve I was on vc with friends for like 5 hours playing Minecraft, chilling, watching movies, and it made me so happy, like even though I lost all my shit in mc and was third wheeling basically the whole time, I had fun. And then in the evening the fam played, the polar express game, sorry, trouble, and monopoly. It was a really fun day. And then the sis and I chilled for a bit and I was up late and didn’t get a lot of sleep but that’s ok . and im up late again tonight writing down all the stuff that comes to mind when im sad just so I can get it out. God dangit. I just cant. Argh my stomach hurts and feels weird. Im also like so fat. Like fat fat. I am. Idc what anyone says. I am. Anyways lets not talk about how I hate my body and what I look like and my voice and everything about me. omg I looked back at what I was typing and who tf would want to read this shit. Like im depressing and sad. Wtf is wrong with me?! ughhh I need help. Idk what to do. ITS FRIKIN CHRISTMAS! WHY AM I SAD. Gosh darnit . I got nothing. This might be it for today and I might just sit in my closet for another two hours and cry. Not good but I need to get it out. Im also drinking really cold water which weirdly enough is making me feel more calm. Like rn I just want to scream. Like I want to cry and not breath and panic and freak out and just hurt myself for a second but im trying to stay calm for the fam in the house and me. omg what is wrong with me….. im crying again now from reading that. I gotta go.