I grew up in a conservative country, in a conservative family. Maybe 80% of the population of my country are probably not very LGBTQ+ friendly. The story starts when I was 11, I was sent to live with my grandma in a very small, secluded and VERY religious town. When I said very religious, I meant the ones that where the cinemas aren't allowed to prevent from couple having sex in it. yea.. so long story short, I was sent into a religious boarding school while living with my religious grandma in a very religious town. Don't get me wrong, I love my religion and I love how beautiful it is but sometimes the people in it are very suffocating and judging.I met a girl named H my first year there. H was very petite, shorter than me, skinnier than me. Her voice were higher than mine and her laugh was very weird. But H was very manly, the way she walked, the way she talked or the way she cut her hair short like a boy. She was annoying and an attention seeker when I first met her. She loved having attentions on her, she seek attentions from the teachers, the seniors, even the janitors and I was one of them. To say that I was infatuated by her but also was very annoyed by her was an understatement.We became fast friend because she had quite an outgoing circle of friends and our dorms are right next to each others'. So we became friends, we did stupid things together, we faked things together, we pranked people together. Not a minute with her felt dull and boring, it was always exciting. I started to feel like I like her more than a friend when she was sick and somebody else attended to her and not me. I convinced myself it was a love for a friend, she was my bestfriend and I wanted her to just be my friend. Looking back at it, I realized things we did together weren't really for-a-friend thing. We would sneaked up into each other's dorms at 3 a.m. to cuddle each other. We play footsies and shared secret smiles. We flirted a lot that people are getting suspicious. But I was convinced by myself that all of that was only the love I felt for a friend and nothing more. Things were fun with her because she wrote me letters and put powder before folding it and hide behind the door to see my reaction reading her powdery letters. We stole chocolates from the mart to give to each others. We stay past bedtimes just to listen to songs discreetly (cause we cant bring electronic devices at that time). We showered together and did each other's homework to prank the teachers. It was fun with her.What wasn't fun when she cuddled me and would nuzzle into me, when she would kiss my forehead and bid me goodnight. What wasn't fun when she took care of me when I was sick and properly looking concerned that I laughed it off cause she looked stupid. What wasn't fun when she would hold my hand and graze her thumbs over mine. What wasn't fun was when she did all that for two years of our friendship... and I was falling STUPIDLY in love. We were called numerous times by our teacher to be reminded that same sex love are a very dangerous sin, that God will punish everyone on earth because a girl loves another girl romantically.As months went by, rumors started to rise causing us to become slowly distant with each other. She found herself a new friend-- a senior slightly older than us. I mainly focused on myself and writing my own novels but still with her on my mind. We would pass each other's paths but we would only smile and walked away. We would sit in a room, far away from each other but I would catch her stares when I wasn't looking and I would also stare when she wasn't looking. She kept sending me her letters but I never replied to them. I was scared that the feelings I had for her won't go away. I was alone, and scared and very much lesbian. So, I stopped seeing her altogether. I ghosted her totally.It was hurting me badly, staying away from her. She had me craved for her. She had me questioning myself and whether or not I should just say 'fuck it' and follow my intuitions. She had me dreaming for princess charming instead of a prince. She had me daydream of a kiss from her. She had me FUCKING HORNY at 14. what the fuck did i know tbh..As the school year coming to an end, I finally had the courage to face her again. She asked me to meet her at our old 'private' place. When I said private, I was talking about a very dusty store with old, unused furniture in it. I remembered that day clearly, she had just told me she learned ukelele from her brother and that she bought herself an ukelele. It was purple and ugly and annoying to see, but she carved Louis Tomlinson at the back of it so I was okay again (she knew how badly I like (still do) louis tomlinson so she fucking carved it on her stupid ukelele for me). She sang me Enchanted by miss Taylor and said that that's the only chords she had learnt. It was very ugly, the sound that the ukelele made but it was funny I just laughed and giggled during the whole song. And so we talked, we catch up with each other again. It was very easy and not awkward at all and I was genuinely happy. She told me that the senior she had been seeing was helping her coping with her anxiety (i didnt know a fuck about anxiety at that time) and had been giving her advices on how to be friend with me again. And we talked some more, before she kissed me. It was a hesitated kiss and very awkward i dont think she has kissed anyone before me.But I was scared, I was confused and scared. So I walked away. I left her alone in the store. I left her. I was a coward so I left. Just to find out the next year that she moved away and I had never hear a word from her since. She cut me off completely and away from her life and so does her friends. I was confused so I find myself some boyfriend for years and years to convince myself that I like boys.Today, at 20, I finally admit to myself, making a peace with myself that I like both men and women. I finally am not confused and scared. But when someone would ask me about my first love, I would tell them about a boy in my 2nd grade that I was holding pinky fingers with. But I wouldn't tell them about a certain girl with very pretty smile and short hair, a girl with manly stares but high pitched voice, a girl that walks like a man and talked like a man, a girl I stared at 4 a.m. while cuddling because I couldn't fall asleep. A girl that will forever engraved at the back of my mind. A girl that I did not wish to meet again. A girl that I will always have special feelings for. If only back then I was a little older and wiser, I would love her dearly and most adamantly. I would worship her just like she did to me when I was questioning my sanity. She showed me love at the early age of teen that I wished I could shower her with love now. But I believe in fates and destiny and if our little story was supposed to be a lesson, or more like a realization for me that I like girls, then be it. If you are reading this H which you probably will not, I was in love with you, H. I didn't got the chance to told you but thank you. You showed me love when I needed it, when I have no fucking clue of what love should looks like. Today, I love everyone else fully because you showed me how to.