This is the first platform to appear on my search page, and at this point all I need really is an outlet for all the pent up sourness that is my life. Ordinarily, that is if I were speaking to someone in real life, I’d opening with a preamble that tells the other person how guilty I feel for even thinking I have the luxury to feel what I feel or to even express it, but at this moment I will lay it all down because I’m really exhausted of censoring myself and not allowing myself to feel the depth of my constant hurt and disappointment and ongoing rage.
I weigh close to 200kg, I’ve been gaining weight ever since I left high school and graduating from college, finding work and living alone further excercibate my problems. All my life I thought I was confident and despite hearing messaging that called me fat, unworthy and ugly at my thinnest, peak and most attractive self, I was the happy go lucky girl who just kept it moving.
As it turns out, all those messages have come rushing to come to pass. I’m 34 years old now, morbidly obese and I carry with me a roiling sense of self hate daily. Mine is the kind that is raw, palpable in fact- on days like these I eat 8 meals just so I can get to the peak of this self hate, it’s like a demon that needs to be fed but after I’ve done all that eating (and sometimes drinking) I have visions of tall buildings where I imagine myself just jumping off- not in a violent way as all other endings of this nature occur- no, my image of jumping off a building is one where I drift off slowly, first my soul Peacefully leaves my body then the Body hits the ground - and that imagined sound of my body hitting the ground is what reminds me that it can’t be done.
I then feel guilty for even thinking like that, all the people that would be gravely recasted by my actions, all the things that the action would take away from the memory of my life in its totally but most of all, how lucky I am to have all that I have. I then snap back to reality and that reality is made up mostly of guilt and shame and a flicker of courage to go on another day and change the things that are wrong with my life—- it’s everything, everything is wrong with my life. The anxiety attack sets it and so the cycle goes and goes and goes, but today- today I found this outlet and I can say that writing this has made it bearable to live with this hatred, and maybe tomorrow will be a different day, all the solutions I think all may be implemented tomorrow. I love to hope