3 months ago
Time Spent- 2h 34m
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Today, the self hatred is severe

This is the first platform to appear on my search page, and at this point all I need really is an outlet for all the pent up sourness that is my life. Ordinarily, that is if I were speaking to someone in real life, I’d opening with a preamble that tells the other person how guilty I feel for even thinking I have the luxury to feel what I feel or to even express it, but at this moment I will lay it all down because I’m really exhausted of censoring myself and not allowing myself to feel the depth of my constant hurt and disappointment and ongoing rage.

I weigh close to 200kg, I’ve been gaining weight ever since I left high school and graduating from college, finding work and living alone further excercibate my problems. All my life I thought I was confident and despite hearing messaging that called me fat, unworthy and ugly at my thinnest, peak and most attractive self, I was the happy go lucky girl who just kept it moving.

As it turns out, all those messages have come rushing to come to pass. I’m 34 years old now, morbidly obese and I carry with me a roiling sense of self hate daily. Mine is the kind that is raw, palpable in fact- on days like these I eat 8 meals just so I can get to the peak of this self hate, it’s like a demon that needs to be fed but after I’ve done all that eating (and sometimes drinking) I have visions of tall buildings where I imagine myself just jumping off- not in a violent way as all other endings of this nature occur- no, my image of jumping off a building is one where I drift off slowly, first my soul Peacefully leaves my body then the Body hits the ground - and that imagined sound of my body hitting the ground is what reminds me that it can’t be done.

I then feel guilty for even thinking like that, all the people that would be gravely recasted by my actions, all the things that the action would take away from the memory of my life in its totally but most of all, how lucky I am to have all that I have. I then snap back to reality and that reality is made up mostly of guilt and shame and a flicker of courage to go on another day and change the things that are wrong with my life—- it’s everything, everything is wrong with my life. The anxiety attack sets it and so the cycle goes and goes and goes, but today- today I found this outlet and I can say that writing this has made it bearable to live with this hatred, and maybe tomorrow will be a different day, all the solutions I think all may be implemented tomorrow. I love to hope

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3 months ago

Re: Today, the self hatred is severe

Hugs and a lot of hugs to you, its so stupid how people judge others just for looks and trust me these people are fake and somewhere in your heart and mind feel happy that you are not around these fake people or so called friends.

Its not about how you look but its more about how you feel, you need to somehow get your confidence back, get your self involved in some work where your deeds and actions make a difference, it can start from anything painting/writing/charity/professional anything, and you will soon see your confidence coming back, and people recognising you for the work you are doing.

I wish you luck, will follow your post for any updates.

So glad writing this out has allowed for some relief and really hope that relief can last much longer than a day.I found your preample interesting in that your sorry right off the bat for what your about to tell us, like ya dont have the right? (forgive me if thats wrong,just tryin to understand.:) It was a good read, though I didnt enjoy feeling sadness WHILE reading,it did leave me with a sense of hope that you, having achieved all your goals thru school up to being employed,and Ill assume, earning a living doing what ya love to do, and further assume that your, in some way, currently working, that the happy go lucky gal is still there, really wantin to rise up,from the depths, knowing She once had this confidence/PASSION that allowed her to push thru/endure the struggles/uncertainties/lean times/sickness/,while on her journey to achievement. Although I cant relate to this kind of struggle your going thru, I went through a period,where hopelessness and despair took a HUGE crippling toll on me for about 7yrs. ( 3yrs at its worst) so I can relate somewhat to the self hate /disappointment/ feeling useless/ mostly due to drinking heavy being in /out of hospitals...ALOT..Its funny that I was 34 when my healing /rising back up/,taking/having control again actually began.Sounds like ya do have ppl in your life you care about that would miss you if ya did leave this world? I found your tall building senerio interesting as well.Wish I knew what to say as to not let others define /have a say in who you truly are and looks have NOTHING to do with worthiness/loyalty and other good character traits that are in your DNA, along w/ life exps that have made ya who ya are.Its not fair to YOUR selfworth /esteem to allow those, often unavoidable, types of shallow/narcissistic ppl, who thrive/exist creating turmoil for others to feel superior,have this kinda pwr hold in your life..Right? I just wanted to chime in, share a lil with ya. Go off on a couple tangents..LOL. Sendin ya some hope to help for your journey back to "Happy go lucky Gal !

Exercise for about 30 mins per day. Trust me it will change your life. I was in your position a couple of years ago and then I read this article about exercising and it was my way out. 1: it will cause you to loose weight (there is nothing wrong with being large okay? It just means that you’ve had a nice time eating nice food) and that will boost your confidence. 2: exercising actually releases endorphins, causing you to be happier. Put together a work out that lasts 30 mins. At first, don’t go full on, start easy but still with some strain. Gently increase the intensity of your exercising every day. While you are exercising, focus on how you feel mentally not physically. Yes it will hurt. But that hurt means that you are alive.

good luck xx

I just broke down when I saw the responses to the original post I wrote. To know that I live in a world where I can be heard, understood and cared for by total strangers has moved me in ways I wasn’t expecting. It is to be noted also that I came back here today after the post I wrote because of encountering another disappointment, I slept through it after telling my best friend that I’ll probably die of a broken heart.

I am gutted, I found out that a Client who cancelled a project that would have been offered some short term financial relief has given it to another company, this after saying to me that the partners have no budget. It really felt like the storms continue to intensify on my part, and of course I looked to my friend food for comfort. Then I remembered this platform , because I could not cry, despite feeling as though my whole soul is completely embroiled in the disappointment of this disappointment, and thought maybe I’ll write about it- and before I did, I came to this post and seeing everyone's comments and support was an impetus to a session of a desperate downcast weep... It lasted about 15 minutes and her sounds were mostly suppressed because you see my best friend is visiting me for the weekend. She’s recently found out that she’s pregnant after losing triplets she was pregnant with in 2019... so I need not dampen the happy and hopeful mood.

The cry was good, it was what I needed. At least now I don’t feel my whole being consumed by disappointment, I don’t feel like my heart will stop working from the cumulative 34 years of a cycle of heartache, and it is thanks to comments of care, kindness and deep thoughtfulness. Thank you everyone.

I don’t know what to do though, a part of me wants to let this client know that I’m aware that’s he’s commissioned the work to another agency, not for them to explain their choice, but for them to know what I know and to do with that information as they please. I would argue that a grave injustice has befallen me... but equally, I’m aware these things happen and people change their minds about who they want to work with all the time, I feel hard done, but as with all situations in my life, I rely on the unknown prospects of tomorrow’s healing. I hope you’re in a better space than me, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially... thank you for being here.

Hey! your welcome. Good to hear back from ya. So sorry for the project cancellation.I guess alls fair in what ever ya need to do to secure/find future clientele.(never wrote that word? looks funny??..LOL) T TOTAL R brain guy here, couldnt sell a heater to an eskimo..LOL Cant even imagine this poor young ladys grief, losin 3 babys? Hope you gals are doing some much needed catchin up as I type here, maybe watchin some goofy chick flick?..LOL. Hopin this will lift that mood a bit, get a flow of those POSITIVE drugs pumpin (seritonin/dopamine) so you'll be up and AT- em come MON,ready to kick butt/take names. Ok, get back to your movie..LOL Too old now to egg houses/ trick or treat (bad knee) so I gotta stay on the porch w/ the pups..LOL. Hope new projects come your way soon!