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Too tired to seek help

I'm so tired of everything. I've had depression for a really long time (almost 10 years at this point). When I was in high school I went to the hospital, was put on many different pills and different dosages and every last one of them didn't improve my mood, or make me feel better. Instead it made everything seem grey, or without meaning, or unenthusiastic. So I decided to take myself off of the pills because they didn't help me and if anything they made it worse.


I completed high school and honestly kind of just accepted that I would be sad or depressed forever and would just cope with the pain I felt every day. My stomach feeling right, my throat feeling dry, or feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I made a plan to take my life a few months back but I stopped myself while I was almost close to finishing myself off and seek help because I thought if I went that far and sought help maybe, just maybe I could turn it around.


I ended up spending a few weeks in the hospital bored out of my mind, stuck with these thoughts in my head while I was a test rat for pills. I got out of the hospital on a medication and once again eventually everything went grey until I took myself off of the pills again. I don't want to tell my girlfriend how depressed I am or how I don't want to live because I don't want her to worry. I don't want to talk to my parents and let them know I don't want to live because the only thing they think that can help me is to talk, or to go to the hospital again but I'm tired of trying to find help, or look for help.


I don't want to talk because if I said what was really on my mind someone would call me crazy. Talking is too much work. I don't want to go out of my way to do enjoyable things because it requires getting up and getting the money to do them. My job doesn't pay me that well, I'm treated like shit by customers consistently. I just do not care to find help. I want to lay here and just die with no one caring about me. I'm too lazy to get up and change anything about my life because everything seems impossible. My goals don't seem realistic but I don't want to set realistic goals for myself because the realistic goals that I would set shouldn't even be considered goals and are moreso just a way to make me feel like I'll fail at even the most basic thing.


I wish I could be happy. I want to be happy. I really do. For my sake, for my girlfriend, for my parents, for my siblings, for my friends, for everything. But I can't. I don't want the help because it requires me to summon some random willpower to do things when I feel worthless and incapable of doing the most basic things. I feel worthless. Every morning when I wake up I don't jump out of bed. I slowly roll over open my eyes, disappointed that I am awake and didnt die in my sleep.


I'm tired of everything and I don't want to do anything other than just die in my bed.