I want to leave the world but I don’t know how. How do I say goodbye? I’ve re written my note a thousand times. How do I go without pain? And what if it’s worse when you die. What if your taken to another level or you are just forced to face your biggest fears over and over again. I want to die but I’m too scared. Im only 14 and I can barely deal with the stress of school, my appearance and pleasing people how am I supposed to live to the average age of 71. It’s not like adulthood could be any easier and they can’t find a cure for my disability. It’ll always be the same, I’ll always be treated different. I’m debating wether I talk to someone and try and save myself or accept defeat and see what happens next hoping that’s I leave being all stress and ongoing pain.
Re: Trapped, with possible escapes?
I’ve almost died. Technically I have died twice medically. There is an after life.
This is supposed to be hard. When you die you realize all you learned here. I learned tiny little things meant a lot to others. When I sent $5 to a children’s hospital it helped a kid get cancer treatment. When I sent $10 to a homeless shelter it helped feed a hungry person.
As a man I gave a little boy mouth to mouth & brought him back here. I’ve met his kids. I saved a little black girl.
I held my wife’s hand. I held my children. I drove a BMW. I surfed a wave. I hugged a rock star I used to watch on TV. I watched my son win a huge tournament. I watched my daughter sing on a stage.
I set in a stadium as my team won a big game. I caught a homer run ball. I watched my son hit a home run.
I lived long enough to watch the new Lady Gaga song.
At 7 yrs old I tried to kill myself. I barely survived. I was sad almost every day. But looking back so much good happened too. In my afterlife I’ll forget all the bad. Forget all the pain. But I’ll remember all the good. All those friends I made in my 30’s. In my 50’s. Those who make it will be there with me.
But my dad. He liked to hurt others. He wouldn’t forgive. He wouldn’t even forgive himself. He almost died. They restarted his heart. He said he’d went to a dark place. It was horrible. He had a chance to change that. He wouldn’t. Stayed mean. His wife said at the very end he did. I hope so. I pray for him still.
As a teen your brain makes chemicals that overwhelm you. It seems so hopeless. But it’s not. Sure your mostly going to fail. We all do. But good moments are going to come to. Think of your life as the greatest video game ever. You see & feel everything your avatar does. Your gaining life experience. The longer you live the more you learn.
My life seemed boring; but I look back & so much happened. I lived. Sure most of it seemed boring & sad. But I had my moments. I’m autistic. I was born with a disability. I have a painful disease. My parents gave me away. I endured rape & torture. But I just said fuck it. I lived. Every day I felt sad; but I said fuck it, this world isn’t going to steal my one & only chance to live. I’m going to play this game to the end. I’m going to live.